The Flying Moustache

It had been a few weeks off for our intrepid hero, and during that time he had grown a moustache, befriended the entirety of the Garmin-Slipstream team, and also convinced them to get a masters in Sports Science, so they can stop paying for doping testing and just do it themselves. This curious bunch expressed their thanks in an endless supply of Chipotle burritos, and Jacob had had nothing else to eat for the past two weeks. He felt like this would be his key to victory. And also having Dave Zabriskie and Steven Cozza working for him couldn’t hurt.


Jacob: So Dave, what’s our plan for today?
Dave: Jacob, having a moustache means having no plan.
Steven: It does the work for you. It’s like a robot butler that creates cycling strategy for you.
Dave: Like a DS and domestique riding above your lip.
Steven: It is the essence of excellence.
Jacob: Wow…
Dave: The essence of comfort is in DZ Nuts. We’re not just chamois cream, we’ve got a whole line of accessories.

Jacob: Wait, how did you just place a hyperlink into our conversation?
Dave: It’s the power of the moustache.
Steven: You’d be balls crazy not to ride with DZ Nuts protecting your junk.
Dave: Well put Steven, well put.
Jacob: Whoa, what’s going on here?

Steven: Looks like two large moose-
Dave: Meese?
Jacob: Mooses?

Steven: Moosi’i? Uh…One moose is bucking horns with another.
Jacob: Well if they wanted a pissing contest, they could’ve pulled off to the side of the road.
Dave: Perhaps they’re trying to impress the ladies?
Steven: Interestingly, most of them are gone.
Jacob: Ironic.
Dave: Perhaps their crotches are enflamed?
Jacob: I’d prefer not to consider that option.
Dave: Jacob, alls I see are opportunities…
Jacob: Perhaps you can give me a free sample so I can endorse it to my friends?

Dave: No can do.
Steven: Would you like a free burrito though?
Jacob: No thanks, it’s the last lap, I can’t be fumbling with a burrito.
Dave: We better set ourselves up nicely for the sprint.
Jacob: I’m nominally a crappy climber, but I’ll do what I can.
Steven: We can help, right Dave?
Dave: Right Steven. Moustaches, flying V!!

Dave: I’ll use my sexy TT legs to get you to the finish Jacob!
Steven: I’ll hold down the right side so that you don’t get boxed out!
Dave & Steven: Flying V! Huzzah!
Dave: Go Jacob! Unleash those thunderthighs of yours!
Jacob: Raaah!

Jacob: 4th!

Dave: Oh yeah…just like big Z planned…