29.4.09

The Balls!

Victory at the team time trial had been accomplished. Texas beat MSU by less than 2 seconds, which was equal to about how long the aerodynamically disadvantaged Jacob pulled for, so sprits were high. His spirits were also high because he thought that he would get a pretty gold medal for partaking in the winning effort, which would be the first time the bike had earned anything for him, besides a quarter he found on the road once. Also exciting was fellow Austinite Lance Armstrong riding with him.


Lance: Jacob!
Jacob: Lance!
Lance: Dude, I’ve been a huge fan of yours for a long time, it’s an honor to finally meet you.
Jacob: Thanks Lance, you too.
Lance: Hey, after the race, can you sign my copy of your book, ‘It’s not about the Blog’?
Jacob: Sure thing.
Lance: Wow, cool, thanks. You know, your story of going through college while maintaining peak performance at the Cat 4 level has been really inspiring for both me and my friends.
Jacob: Enough about me though, how’ve you been?
Lance: Pretty good, my broken collarbone has given me a lot of time off, it’s been pretty relaxing.
Jacob: Yeah?

Lance: Yeah, I’ve been reevaluating why I got into cycling in the first place.
Jacob: Why’s that?
Lance: The balls, Jacob, the balls.
Jacob: But don’t you just-
Lance: You know, I thought about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But I got back on the bike, because it would show people I had balls. And I won the Tour, for the balls. Then it became habitual. Then I retired early, then I returned – for the balls.
Jacob: Ballsy stuff.
Lance: I’m like a ball pit of balls, Jacob. It’s an awesome feeling.

Jacob: That’s actually pretty creepy Lance.
Lance: In the end, it’s not about victory. Sometime someone’ll sit-in in a breakaway, not pull and take the sprint. He has victory, but it’s meaningless. The guy who attacked to create the winning break – he’s got balls, which is more important than victory.
Jacob: Sure that you’re not compensating for something?
Lance: I’ve won seven Tours, I have nothing to compensate for.
Jacob: Makes sense. So it’s all about balls you say…

Inspired by Lances exposition on the merits of having balls, and knowing that the home-town fans wanted some fireworks, Jacob attacked.

Lance: Pretty good attack Jacob, too bad that Tech guy chased you down.
Jacob: Yeah, I was hoping to tire an MSU guy.
Lance: You can’t always get what you want Jacob, but if you try sometime, you’ll find you get what you need…
Jacob: I think I need everyone else to crash to have a shot at victory.
Lance: Jacob, it’s not about victory, it’s about the balls. Attack again.

Jacob: But I just did.
Lance: Either use a women’s saddle from now on or attack again. Also, I will hurt you.
Jacob: Yes, Lance.

Jacob attacked again.

Lance: Yes, that is how you endear yourself. That and the cancer.
Jacob: I feel like my balls are big enough and that I don’t need to attack again.
Lance: I’d disagree, but you’ll learn in time. Time to win the sprint finish.

Jacob: But I’m so tired!
Lance: This is something you must do.
Jacob: Oh fine, I’ll move up with two to go.
Lance: We’re half-way through the last lap. Sprint up, then sprint again.
Jacob: I can’t.
Lance: Balls! Balls! Balls!
Jacob: I’ll try.

Try he did. Did not he did as well.

1 comment: