“Damn!” Jacob said, in his best Jack Bauer voice.
“Look! Behind that barn!” yelled Will.
Pedaling over the investigate, and wishing he carried a saddle-bag so he could stuff his trusty Smith & Wesson into a jersey pocket rather than carrying his flat-changing stuff around, Jacob went to investigate. And there were. The ninjas loading Jason and Taylor into a van, with Chris Horner already inside.
Noticing the two intruders, the ninjas stopped their work and looked up in what can only be assumed to be surprise. But it was really hard to tell because their faces were covered by their ninja clothes.
Jacob and Will meanwhile, dismounted their bikes in slow motion while still moving. They were breaking into a cyclocross run, but there were no barriers to hop over. Instead, they threw their bikes into the crowd of ninjas and then kept running at them screaming war-cries of a sundry nature.
Dissapointed though he was that the bikes didn’t explode upon impact with the ninjas, because that would just so cool, Jacob fought bravely. The plan was for Jacob to direct the agro of the ninjas his way while Will freed Jason and Taylor, but the ninjas were having no part. Unfortunately, Will and Jacob were outnumbered 16 to 2. Being an English major, and lacking mathematical skills, Jacob was wishing that he was only outnumbered 8 to 1, and maybe then the ninjas wouldn’t be getting the better of him. Put up a good fight though they did, it wasn’t long until him and Will were captured, tied up, and carried away.
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Jacob said, as he was being taken off. Just then though, a tennis ball came out of nowhere and struck a ninja on the head. Then another. And another.
“Maria!” Jacob yelled with relief but also knew things would be awkward later, as the tennis star pummeled the ninjas with tennis balls. In disarray, Jacob pulled out a hairpin and undid his handcuffs and used his intimate knowledge of the sea to untie the knots on him. In turn, he freed his compatriots, including Chris Horner, while Maria Sharapova continued to lay down withering volley after volley into the ninjas, who were soon taken capture.
“Thank goodness you arrived Maria, I don’t know how we would have escaped without you. I mean, we were going to, but an idea just hadn’t come to me yet.”
“Yes, Jacob, I’m only too happy to help you.”
“A little weird how you’ve been following me though. Hm. Wait here, I need to make a phone call.”
Jacob left and called an old friend.
“Hello, Fumy Beppu? I’ve got some ninjas tied up here and I was wondering if you could do me a favor…”
Finished with his phone call, Jacob returned to the others.
“Alright, I’ve got Fumy headed over to ID these guys, Maria, thanks again.”
“Well Jacob, I was sort’ve hoping we could go to dinner tonight.”
“Well, in return for saving my life before I had thought of a way to do it myself, I think I would, but I’ve got a Tour to save, so maybe later. Right now, I’ve got work to do.”
“Well, you know where to reach me.”
“Right,” Jacob said, turning to Chris Horner. “Chris, do you know what’s going on here?”
“They were trying to get me to convince Lance to abandon the Tour, something about making it less interesting, but it didn’t work. These ninjas here are only part of the operation, there’s also a bunch of European-sounding foreign guys in on it, but I never did get a look at them.”
“Hmm…under what pretense could Japan and some Europeans work together to destroy the Tour?” Jacob asked, reflecting everyone’s thoughts.
Just then, Fumiyaki Beppu arrived.
“Jacob! Will! Jason! Taylor! Chris!” he exclaimed.
“Fumy!” they all replied in unison.
“Thanks for coming out here,” Jacob said.
“Yeah, no problem,” replied Fumy, looking very cool in a black trenchcoat and smoking a cigarette.
“You don’t smoke,” Jacob said, surprised.
“I do when it’s for atmospheric effect. Alright, what do we have here?” he said, looking at the ninjas. “Hmm…interesting. These aren’t Japanese ninjas, these are Chinese ninjas trying to look like Japanese ninjas.”
“Of course!” Jacob exclaimed, comprehending nothing.
“Whoever they are, them and the guys they’re in league with are planning on being at Ventoux, I think something’s going to go down.” Chimed in Chris.
“Then it’s our duty to be there,” Jacob said, looking dramatic.
Snapping out it, Jacob began to ponder the implications of what had been discovered today.
"Why would the Chinese need to frame the Japanese? They must've been trying to deflect attention from themselves. Yes...the only reason anyone ever frames anyone else must be why China was framing Japan. But what does China have to hide??"
"Oppression?" Will opined.
"Polution?" Jason asked.
"12 year old gymnasts?" Taylor interjected.
"Suppresion of Tibet?" Chris said.
"Yes! That's it! The Chinese must be trying to get Lance Armstrong out of the Tour to make it more boring, so that all eyes will turn on them!"
"But why?" Will asked.
Wishing he had a pipe to smoke so he could seem really smart when realizing this, Jacob bent over and inspected the legs of one of the Chinese-pretenting-to-be-Japanese ninjas.
"Shaven! Just as I thought! The Tour of Qinghai Lake!"
"Of course!"
"But detracting from this event, they're trying to grow their own event. We must get to Ventoux before they make the Tour inscrutably boring!"
They left the ninjas for the authorities, Fumy to racing the Tour, and Maria had gone away as quickly as she had appeared. Like so many riders, Jacob, Will, Taylor, Jason, and the recently liberated Chris Horner had a rendezvous with Mount Ventoux.
Episode V - Le Géant de Provence
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