Tales from the Peloton!

Eurotrash Weekend

2010-04-17T11:19:00.004-06:00

Here's something new:

Road race today reminded me of the Tour of Poland; cold and rainy. 55 degrees with rain throughout and strong winds. It was miserable, but I switched my brain off after a while. Then the cold caught up to me and I switched my brain back on and was miserable. But I had made a little early-race selection, so I had to stay with it. Came down to a sprint. My body had spent too much time keeping itself warm and didnt have anything left at the end, despite the ride being easy on the legs. I don't know where I was. Maybe 10th or so? Hard to tell.

I thought about quitting. But that would dishonor my mustache and cycling cap.

Street Sprints later. I'll do them if they happen. Must honor the stache. Crit tomorrow. Same weather as today. I anticipate a lot of crashes.

Thank you for reading the most boring race report this blog has ever bequeathed to the populace.

You know what? I'm feeling generous, here's a photo of Vladimir Karpets:

Sorry folks

2010-03-04T23:13:00.001-06:00

Tales from the Peloton has been banned by the UCI.

I enjoyed it, other people enjoyed it, but I haven't the time anymore.

Guest-Blogging

2010-01-10T21:22:00.001-06:00

None are worthy enough to guest-blog on Tales From The Peloton.

But TFTP might have done a little guest-blogging over on Texas Cycling.

Cycling in Townsend and The Smoky Mountains

2010-01-09T23:16:00.003-06:00

A recent winter trip to Tennessee found me in Townsend with a bike and spare time on my hands. Here's a list of my ride reports:

Rides 1 & 2 - Cades Cove

Ride 3 - Foothills Parkway and Tail of the Dragon

Ride 4 - Wears Valley to Pigeon Forge

I found the Tail of the Dragon site very useful in learning about that ride, and it also gave me info on the Cherohala Skyway, a bit further away, but a ride which I'll have to do at some other point. Had there not had been heavy snow just before we got there, I probably also would have ridden up to Clingman's Dome.

Rides 1 & 2 - Cades Cove

2010-01-09T22:59:00.008-06:00

Cycling in Cades Cove starting at The Y and ending in Townsend

Ride 1 - aborted Cades Cove ride.

The heavy snow over the weekend meant that the road up to Cades Cove was closed, so my dad and I got dropped off and took our bikes up it.

There was snow in abundance so everything looked nice and the road was closed to cars, so it was very pleasant despite being freezing or so.

We saw a snow plow and a park ranger coming down the other way and gave them a slight wave which was entirely unreciprocated. Unfortunately, the ranger turned around and told us that the route was closed to bikes as well as cars, so that we wouldn't get hit by snow falling off of tree limbs. We turned around, went downhill, got very cold, left the park, remained very cold, and called in a pick up so we'd stop freezing.

Ride 2 - Cycling Cades Cove, successful this time

This time we actually made it into Cades Cove. See map here.

It was nice and scenic with the dusting of snow that remained, but still with bunches of cars, who often slowed us down. During the summer months they close Cades Cove off to cars Wednesday and Sunday mornings, in which case you'll be slowed down by people on hybrids rather than cars.

Getting over the cars though, and passing over the idea that me getting frustrated by having to slow down for cars is like cars having to slow down for me, it was a nice ride though.

Ride 3: Foothills Parkway and Tail of the Dragon

Cycling in Townsend and the Smoky Mountains

Ride 3 - Foothills Parkway and Tail of the Dragon

2010-01-09T22:23:00.011-06:00

Cycling through Foothills Parkway and then the Tail of the Dragon, one of the hardest and most rewarding rides I've done.

See map here.

My ride started out with getting dropped off at the base of the Foothills Parkway. From there, it's a nice and steady three mile climb before the road levels out for a bit and then continues going uphill. I've always thought though that only by climb could you really see nice sights, and there was no shortage of them on Foothills Parkway, with the Smoky Mountains to the east and a large view of flat land to the west.

At the top of the climb, there's a large parking lot with a scenic view and a ranger station nearby.

From there, it's a good 8 miles of downhill until you reach 129 and take a left towards North Carolina. Chilhowee Lake will be on your right side, something which I had overlooked in planning the ride, so it was a nice surprise.

Tail of the Dragon will start after about three miles cycling along the lake. This rather obvious sign will let you know when it starts.

The following 11 miles are some of the curviest in the world, and much loved by motorcyclists and cyclists alike.

Tail of the Dragon isn't just a single climb, but a couple smaller uphills and downhills. The climbs are enjoyable, and the descending it fantastic. There are certainly some technical parts to the descents, but nothing too challenging. What's nice is that the car speed limit here is 30 mph, so there isn't much of a risk of cars blowing by and they can be dropped when going downhill.

It's hard to get one image to encapsulate the curviness, because a single image can't well represent how unrelenting the curves were for 11 miles. Well, 22 miles after I turned around at the North Carolina state line and did it all the other way.

Going back through the Dragon was fun, but climbing up Foothills Parkway again about did me in. It's a good 8 miles which barely levels out, and while I enjoy climbing, that's just not something we get in Texas. I suffered up the 8 miles and called in a pick up at the end of the Parkway because I didn't feel like going the added six miles. For getting to and from Foothills Parkway from Townsend though, the Old Walland highway is superior in every respect to cycling on Lamar Alexander.

And for those who would rather suffer several miles of climbing rather than 8, return via Happy Valley rather than Foothills Parkway; it's crams 8 miles of climbing into less than 3.

For more Tail of the Dragon info, this site can't be beat for being informative and interesting. Unfortunately, the store at Deals Gap is closed during the winter, otherwise I would've got myself a nice airbrushed motorcycle shirt.

Ride 4 - Wears Valley to Pigeon Forge

Cycling in Townsend and the Smoky Mountains

Ride 4 - Wears Valley to Pigeon Forge

2010-01-09T21:57:00.009-06:00

This ride went up through Wears Valley to Pigeon Forge, then around Gatlinburg and down Little River Rd.

See map here

I had wanted to go cycling through Wears Valley because last time we were at Townsend I recalled it being a nice drive. It's a bit more commercialized than I would have liked, but it is a nice drive. It's not too good of a bike ride though.

Going up Wears Valley from Townsend starts out with a nice little climb, then it's fast and flat or downhill until around Pigeon Forge. The road itself has no shoulder, and the aforementioned commercialization gives it heavier traffic than I would have liked.

It's a nice little valley though, with plenty of fudge stops if you're so inclined. I had intended to take a right onto Lyon Springs Road about 11 miles into the ride, but I never saw it, so I just kept going. I figured eventually I'd hit Pigeon Forge and that I could go back through the park from there. Plus, the wind was behind me and I was cruising along so fast I didn't feel like stopping.

Very much to my surprise and relief, Pigeon Forge actually had something which functioned as a bike lane, though I didn't get the feeling that that was it's intent. Despite not being entirely confident on where I was, I knew that going through Gatlinburg would be messy, but fortunately the signs for the Gatlinburg Bypass were worded obviously enough that I wound up taking it and getting into the park.

A longer than I had wanted uphill and then a quick downhill into the park and a stop at the ranger station. There's a nice climb coming out the ranger station which still had quite a bit of snow aside it.

Going down Little River Rd was less fast than I had remembered it, but I think I had a bit of a headwind. Less fast was still averaging around 26 mph though. No photos from here, as I was having too much fun going downhill.

Going downhill through the park was fun, but Wears Valley was more crowded than I would have liked, and cycling through Pigeon Forge is something I'd really only want to do again through necessity. Certainly not a ride I'll plan on doing next time I'm in the area.

Cycling in Townsend and the Smoky Mountains

Le Tour de Force

2009-07-26T21:50:00.003-06:00

The epic tale is now complete. Relive it in all it's glory in this, the hub of the multi-storied saga. Consider it a TiVo of sorts.

A Texas Cat 4 cyclist finds himself at the center of a desperate powerplay that could rock the world of professional cycling. Full of espionage, deceit, machine guns and chamois, can this humble cyclist save the Tour de France? Found out in...

Episode 1 - An Unexpected Errand

Episode II - In a Cool Place, Things Hot Up

Episode III - Like a Pigeon Among Cats

Episode IV - Redemption

Episode V - Le Géant de Provence

Episode V - Le Géant de Provence

2009-07-25T17:38:00.003-06:00

Arriving at the circus that is the Tour de France start, Jacob and the others were quickly lost amidst the confusion. They thought that they had seen more ninjas, and quickly beat them up, only to find that they were there to root on Yukiya Arashiro. Live and learn. After beating up several more odd-looking fans, and stealing a giant inflatable kangaroo from some Aussies, they spotted another suspicious looking vehicle.

Bursting inside, Jacob, Will, Taylor, Jason and Chris came upon several Chinese guys and several Europeans, working in a lab-like environment. Knowing that doctors can’t fight because of the Hippocratic oath, Jacob and the others quickly had them rounded up and began questioning.

“What is it you’re doing here?” Jacob said, beginning to talk to one of the European lab-workers.
“I’ll never tell you,” he replied, spitting in Jacob’s face. Not one to take insults lightly, Jacob shot him in the leg.
“Ha! That’z un prosthesis.”
Jacob shot him in the other leg.
“Ow! Mother of God! Verdammt! Ze pain!”
“Now talk.”
“Alright, alright. Since Horner couldn't persuade Lance to abandon, ve engineered this pill to make Alberto super-strong, and vin it all.”
“Yes, to drive viewers away.”
“Dah.”
“Anything else about this pill?”
“It ist fast acting, but the chemicals only come in contact vith each other when they are remotely activated, as how zhey don’t last long.”
“Hmmm…” Jacob pondered. “Do you have any non-remote versions? Don’t make me shoot you.”
“Da, in ze back.”
“Will, scoop up those pills. We’re done here.”

“Did you read the way that guy talked?” asked Taylor after they had gone outside.
“Yeah, sounded German.” Will added. “The Chinese would need some European contacts to make their nefarious scheme to boost the Tour of Qinghai Lake.”
“Yeah, but the bigger question is where they’re remotely activating it from,” inquired Jason.
They all paused, thinking.
“My goodness,” began Jacob. “There’s only one place they can do it from!"

"The top of Mont Ventoux!”
They all took an ominous look towards the Giant of Provence, looming over them from the distance.
“Grab your bikes, or steal someone’s, we’ve got a rendezvous with destiny.”

Fully kitted out, and on nice bikes, the five began the wind-blown ascent up the mountain. The had snuck onto the course, pinned numbers on themselves, and were looking as inauspicious as possible. Some people wondered if University of Texas Cycling was a ProTour team, but Jacob just told them that it was the new kits for Milram.

The ascent was long, and somewhat hard, and they knew they had to get to the phallic-looking building on top of Ventoux before someone made Contador unstoppable, so they rode hard. They also used some of those pills Will had stole/confiscated, so they could get there faster, but kept a few in reserve knowing that there might be yet another epic fight at the top.

The mountain was thick with cheering fans. They pressed in on all sides, and coursed open only at the last second. The intensity was electrifying, and helped drag the riders up the mountain. At 2k to go, the barriers kicked in, and things quieted down a bit, but at this point they didn’t need the roar of the fans, just the inspiration that came natural to their mission.

Finally, the summit was in sight.

Passing a confused Christian Prudhomme, and pushing through the scrum of media, Jacob, Will, Taylor, Jason and Chris burst, for the second time today, through a set of doors, this time into the radio tower atop Ventoux. They heard a noise at the top of a metal staircase and quickly ran up to reach the top of the building. Again, they burst through a set of doors to find:

“Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li!”
“Jacob Dodson, Will Frischkorn, Jason McCartney, Taylor Phinney, Chris Horner, I should’ve known.” Replied Arnold.
“But, why are you here?”
“To make the Tour boring and promote the Tour of Austria.”
“Of course! The Tour of Austria goes on during the Tour de France as well!”
“Yes, it does, time to die.” Arnold said, grabbing a shotgun as Jet Li unsheathed a sword. Fortunately, there was a sword on the wall, so Jacob grabbed a sword while Will and Jason whipped out their pistols and returned fire on Arnold, who was doing that one-handed shotgun reloading thing like he did in the first Terminator movie.

Not distracted by Arnold’s gunmanship, Jacob turned to face Jet Li.

“We both knew it would come to this…”
“Actually, I was thinking you would’ve died at the hands of the ninjas,” replied Jet.
“Maria Sharapova saved me.”
“Ah, of course.”

Just then Jet lunged at Jacob and unleashed a furious flurry of strikes, but what with his background in playing with streamers, Jacob was just as quick and parried them all. Meanwhile, Arnold was in a shoot-out with Will and Jason, while Chris and Taylor were wishing they had guns, or perhaps that someone would get shot so they could use their gun.

All this time, the pro peloton was getting closer to the base of the climb, when the drugs inside Contador would be activated and he would become unstoppable.

“Time’s running out Jacob,” reminded Jet Li.

Yes, but just them Jacob’s incredible improvisational skill kicked in. Still locked in a deadly swordfight with Jet Li, and with Arnold yelling nonsense and pinning down his compatriots, Jacob swallowed one of those strength pills. Striking swords with Jet Li, Jacob broke Jet’s sword, and before Jet could compose himself, Jacob kicked him in the stomach, causing him to fly across the room and into a wall, which crumbled and had some dust shook off it. Arnold, looking over in surprise, was shot in the shoulder by Will Frischkorn, and Jacob threw his sword into the radio transmitter.

“Geyahu! Foiled again!” Arnold yelled in anger.

“You are a worthy adversary,” said a much more stoic Jet Li.

“We’re done here.” Jacob said, wiping the dust off his hand and leaving the building. He would’ve liked to have seen these two jokers locked up, but they were celebrities, and sometimes celebrities mess up and accidentally kidnap people in a scheme to ruin Grand Tours, so these things get overlooked sometime. Plus, arresting them meant paperwork, and it was just one day until his retirement.

Exiting the building, their fight having taken up hours and everybody already left the mountain, Jacob calmly mounted his bicycle, pedaled a few strokes, and rolled downward awash in the crimson glow of the French sunset.

Episode IV - Redemption

2009-07-24T15:41:00.004-06:00

By the time Jacob and Will arrived, the others couldn’t be seen.

“Damn!” Jacob said, in his best Jack Bauer voice.
“Look! Behind that barn!” yelled Will.

Pedaling over the investigate, and wishing he carried a saddle-bag so he could stuff his trusty Smith & Wesson into a jersey pocket rather than carrying his flat-changing stuff around, Jacob went to investigate. And there were. The ninjas loading Jason and Taylor into a van, with Chris Horner already inside.

Noticing the two intruders, the ninjas stopped their work and looked up in what can only be assumed to be surprise. But it was really hard to tell because their faces were covered by their ninja clothes.

Jacob and Will meanwhile, dismounted their bikes in slow motion while still moving. They were breaking into a cyclocross run, but there were no barriers to hop over. Instead, they threw their bikes into the crowd of ninjas and then kept running at them screaming war-cries of a sundry nature.

Dissapointed though he was that the bikes didn’t explode upon impact with the ninjas, because that would just so cool, Jacob fought bravely. The plan was for Jacob to direct the agro of the ninjas his way while Will freed Jason and Taylor, but the ninjas were having no part. Unfortunately, Will and Jacob were outnumbered 16 to 2. Being an English major, and lacking mathematical skills, Jacob was wishing that he was only outnumbered 8 to 1, and maybe then the ninjas wouldn’t be getting the better of him. Put up a good fight though they did, it wasn’t long until him and Will were captured, tied up, and carried away.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Jacob said, as he was being taken off. Just then though, a tennis ball came out of nowhere and struck a ninja on the head. Then another. And another.

“Maria!” Jacob yelled with relief but also knew things would be awkward later, as the tennis star pummeled the ninjas with tennis balls. In disarray, Jacob pulled out a hairpin and undid his handcuffs and used his intimate knowledge of the sea to untie the knots on him. In turn, he freed his compatriots, including Chris Horner, while Maria Sharapova continued to lay down withering volley after volley into the ninjas, who were soon taken capture.

“Thank goodness you arrived Maria, I don’t know how we would have escaped without you. I mean, we were going to, but an idea just hadn’t come to me yet.”
“Yes, Jacob, I’m only too happy to help you.”
“A little weird how you’ve been following me though. Hm. Wait here, I need to make a phone call.”
Jacob left and called an old friend.

“Hello, Fumy Beppu? I’ve got some ninjas tied up here and I was wondering if you could do me a favor…”

Finished with his phone call, Jacob returned to the others.

“Alright, I’ve got Fumy headed over to ID these guys, Maria, thanks again.”
“Well Jacob, I was sort’ve hoping we could go to dinner tonight.”
“Well, in return for saving my life before I had thought of a way to do it myself, I think I would, but I’ve got a Tour to save, so maybe later. Right now, I’ve got work to do.”
“Well, you know where to reach me.”
“Right,” Jacob said, turning to Chris Horner. “Chris, do you know what’s going on here?”
“They were trying to get me to convince Lance to abandon the Tour, something about making it less interesting, but it didn’t work. These ninjas here are only part of the operation, there’s also a bunch of European-sounding foreign guys in on it, but I never did get a look at them.”
“Hmm…under what pretense could Japan and some Europeans work together to destroy the Tour?” Jacob asked, reflecting everyone’s thoughts.

Just then, Fumiyaki Beppu arrived.

“Jacob! Will! Jason! Taylor! Chris!” he exclaimed.
“Fumy!” they all replied in unison.
“Thanks for coming out here,” Jacob said.
“Yeah, no problem,” replied Fumy, looking very cool in a black trenchcoat and smoking a cigarette.
“You don’t smoke,” Jacob said, surprised.
“I do when it’s for atmospheric effect. Alright, what do we have here?” he said, looking at the ninjas. “Hmm…interesting. These aren’t Japanese ninjas, these are Chinese ninjas trying to look like Japanese ninjas.”
“Of course!” Jacob exclaimed, comprehending nothing.
“Whoever they are, them and the guys they’re in league with are planning on being at Ventoux, I think something’s going to go down.” Chimed in Chris.
“Then it’s our duty to be there,” Jacob said, looking dramatic.

Snapping out it, Jacob began to ponder the implications of what had been discovered today.

"Why would the Chinese need to frame the Japanese? They must've been trying to deflect attention from themselves. Yes...the only reason anyone ever frames anyone else must be why China was framing Japan. But what does China have to hide??"
"Oppression?" Will opined.
"Polution?" Jason asked.
"12 year old gymnasts?" Taylor interjected.
"Suppresion of Tibet?" Chris said.
"Yes! That's it! The Chinese must be trying to get Lance Armstrong out of the Tour to make it more boring, so that all eyes will turn on them!"
"But why?" Will asked.

Wishing he had a pipe to smoke so he could seem really smart when realizing this, Jacob bent over and inspected the legs of one of the Chinese-pretenting-to-be-Japanese ninjas.

"Shaven! Just as I thought! The Tour of Qinghai Lake!"
"Of course!"
"But detracting from this event, they're trying to grow their own event. We must get to Ventoux before they make the Tour inscrutably boring!"

They left the ninjas for the authorities, Fumy to racing the Tour, and Maria had gone away as quickly as she had appeared. Like so many riders, Jacob, Will, Taylor, Jason, and the recently liberated Chris Horner had a rendezvous with Mount Ventoux.

Episode V - Le Géant de Provence

Episode III - Like a Pigeon Among Cats

2009-07-22T10:37:00.004-06:00

Standing before the foreign man, Jacob knew he was in for a fight. He also knew that he was the one man for this fight.
“Stand aside” He told Will and Jason.
“Jacob,” his earpiece buzzed, “You turned off your targeting computer. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing Taylor,” Jacob replied, “I’m alright” he added as he mentally prepared himself for the one on one fight.

With Will and Jason fading back, Jacob and the foreign man sized each other up. Jacob lunged, trying to take him by surprise, and launched a kick, but the foreigner was fast, and blocked with his wrist. Regaining balance, Jacob waited for the counter attack. The foreigner closed in, tried to give Jacob a left but was blocked. Then a right, another block. Then a kick in the crotch, and Jacob was laid low to the floor.

“Kill him!” Jacob yelled, suddenly pre-pubescent.

Jason and Will moved in, tag-teaming the now outnumbered foreign man, but he was good. Almost too good. Breaking away from them, he ran towards the door, but Jacob had regained poise, if not his deep voice, and cut him off. Bested, the foreigner quickly swallowed a cyanide pill.

“Well damn, here we three Americans are with a dead foreigner in Monaco, this will look real good with the press.” Jacob said.
“I’ll take a blood sample, he might have been using performance enhancing drugs,” said Will.
“Good idea,” Jacob replied. “Taylor, did you catch that?”
“Yeah,” his earpiece buzzed, “I’ll be able to get results back to you by this afternoon.”

Impressed that he had managed to get in a fight, a bike chase, a boat chase, a foot chase, and destroy a good portion of a local casino all before noon, Jacob searched the dead man.

“Here’s his phone.” Jacob said, looking up.
“Is it HTC?” Will asked.
“No, so we know he’s not with Columbia. But,” he added, looking through the phone, “he looks to have made and received several calls from Bourg-Saint-Maurice.”
“Yes, where the Tour was just yesterday,” Jason added. “Whoever is behind this must have been following the Tour around.”
“Well then that’s what we’ll have to do,” Jacob said. “Gentlemen, pack your bags, we’re going to Le-Grand-Bornand.”

Arriving in Le-Grand-Bornand, Jacob, Will, Jason and Taylor were met with the frenzy that is the Tour de France. People everywhere at the finish. People dressed up in ridiculous attire, people wearing disturbingly revealing attire, it was all here.

Figuring that the best people to ask would be the reporters, but only knowing English, the four approached the Versus booth, which was occupied by Craig Hummer and Bob Roll at the time.

“Gentleman!” Bob exclaimed, “How nice to see three pro’s and a Texas Cat 4 here at the Tour, how ya guys been?”
“Keep it down Bob, we’re undercover.”
“Must be hard being an under cover pro cyclist at the Tour de France.”
“Yes,” replied Jacob, “but we’ve created some smoke and mirrors to distract the nosy. The whole Contador-Armstrong feud, we invented that to keep eyes away from us, and from the disappearance of Horner.”
“Ah,” Bob replied, “so there has been a response, good.”
“Yes,” Taylor added, “can you help us out?”
“Well, I don’t know anything” Craig Hummer replied, “but perhaps you could…ask Bobke!”

Everyone laughed. Just then Paul and Phil came in. Repeating the same question, these weathered commentators did have something to add.

“Well just between you and me,” Phil began, “something has seemed completely and utterly out of place here. There’s been a mysterious vehicle following the Tour around. No fans come out from it, it’s not a press or team vehicle, and one soon begins to wonder where exactly it belongs.”
“That’s exactly right Phil,” Paul started, “this mysterious vehicle seems like it might be the key to finding your compatriot. If I were you, that’s where I’d begin.”
“Now, to make things more interesting,” Craig added, “if they’re right, they’ll get five points added our little Versus competition here, if they’re wrong though, Bobke and I will get them. A little competition across the pond if you will.”
“Yeah, sure, whatever.” Jacob said, biding them thanks and farewell.

Breaking out their little monoculars, they scanned the area for any suspicious-looking vehicle, but there was none in sight.

“Alright, let’s split up,” Jacob decided, “Will, you come with me. Taylor and Jason, you two stick together. Let’s synchronize our watches.”
“I’m not wearing a watch,” Will objected.
A look down and Jacob realized that he too was not wearing a watch.
“Curious. Well, let’s put in our four-way earpieces that look like Bluetooth gadgets.”

Suiting up, they left.

Jacob and Will looked around for quite some time, but couldn’t see anything. Nor could Jacob find a vendor selling one of those Skoda Yetis given to the best young rider. He’d have to remember to ask Andy Schleck for one. Just then though, voices came through his ear-piece.
“Jacob and Will, this is Taylor, we’ve found the vehicle and we’re in a stealth-like pursuit, it looks to be leaving town, we’ll follow innocently on some bikes we stole.”
“Alright, we’ll do the same.”

And they peddled away.

“Will, Jacob, this is Jason. We’ve followed them to an old barn and will observe what goes on, will let you know, over.”

Moving as quick as they could, Jacob and Will put their team time trial experience to good use.

“Jacob, Will, this is Taylor, they might have spotted us.”
“Keep a cool head in there rookie,” Jacob advised.

“Horner is here though.”
“Make sure they don’t move him.”
“10-4.”

Jacob and Will were TTT’ing ever closer, but it was not fast enough.

“Alright,” Jason’s voice sounded across the countryside, “we’ve been found, we’re trying to escape now, we could use extraction if you’ve got a tandem lying around. Oh nuts, we’re trapped.”

Silence. And then.

“Crap! Ninjas!”

WILL JACOB AND WILL ARRIVE IN TIME?? AND WHO ARE THESE NINJAS?? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!!

Episode IV: Redemption

Episode II - In a Cool Place, Things Hot Up

2009-07-19T16:08:00.005-06:00

The plane landed smoothly in Monaco. From the start Jacob knew this mission would be touch and go. But having seen Casino Royale recently, he just couldn’t pass up the chance to play baccarat on the local tables.

Several days later, he assembled his team. He wasn’t quite sure what would happen, but he trusted his skill of improvisation. So he told Taylor Phinney to stay behind at the hotel, and play the role of DS. The rest of the team, complete with cleverly concealed large weapons, was going to go sleuthing.

Bluetooth has had made talking to yourself in public inauspicious, something for which Jacob and the international spy community was uniformly grateful.
“So, Taylor,” Jacob said, “can you get me a ping back on where Horner was when he was abducted?”
“Uh, yeah, hold on.”
Silence.
A cough.
More silence.
“Is it coming through?” Jacob asked.
“Oh, sorry, I was just making popcorn.” Taylor replied. “Yeah, here it is now. Looks like he was staying at Le Meridien Beach Plaza, room 531.”
“Hmmm, Johan’s pockets must run deep.”
“Gentlemen,” Jacob said, turning to Will and Jason, “Looks like we’re going to rent a room. Jason, you cover the door, Will, flip your collar, we’ve got to look the part.”

Looking the park though in this case only ranked number four in Jacob’s top ten suave moments.

A pretty receptionist greeted him with a charming smile. “Hotel Meridien, how may I help you?”
“I’m looking for a room,” Jacob began, squinting his eyes just a little bit, doing a little number with his eyebrows, then putting on glasses, popping his collar, rubbing his unshaven chin slightly, looking around coolly, brushing his hair back just a bit, and rapping his fingers on the counter, but careful to avoid using his fingernails because then it would be loud and he wasn’t here to attract attention to himself, suave though he may be.
“Sir?”
“Oh, what?” Jacob asked, returning from his suave-induced fantasy land.
“I said we have a room.”
“I’m not just looking for any room,” Jacob replied, “I’d like room 531”
“I’m sorry, that’s not available.”
“Oh, then anything on the fifth floor will do.”
“Certainly, Mr…”
“Ethleton, Mr. Ethleton” Jacob replied, handing her a fake ID, fake passport and fake credit card.
“Oh, we don’t need your passport.”
“Certainly.”

Several minutes later, Jacob, Jason and Will were on the fifth floor, staring at the door of room 531.

“Do we knock?” Jason asked.
“But there’s a do-not disturb sign.” Will replied.
“Uh…”
This was a crisis in leadership that Jacob excelled in. Thinking quickly, he kicked the door down. Fortunately there was no one inside.

“Hmm…looks clean.” Will said, looking around.
“Perhaps too clean?” Jacob asked.
“Yes,” Jason began, “I was thinking the same thing.”
“It looks like maids have been here.” Jacob astutely noticed.

Just then the door opened.

“Ah!” screamed a gruff-looking man obviously several steps down the suave-ness ladder from Jacob. The gruff man reached for his gun, but Jason was quicker, shooting the door next to him and causing the man to run out the door. The gruff man ran down the hall, pulled the fire alarm, and suddenly the hall was filled with noise, and noisy people as the man escaped down the stairs.

“Ha!” Jacob exulted! “The moron, we’ll take the elevator, and we’ll beat him down.”

Disappointed that the lack of elevator music really didn’t calm their heightened nerves, the trio burst out of the elevator to find a lobby in panic. The well-grommed intellectuals, the ‘I’m too busy to shave’ suave men and the important old people were strewn about in disarray. Soon though, their target burst out of the stairs and into the street.
“Follow him!” Jacob yelled above the clamor.

“Taylor, are you getting this?” Jacob asked, panting and running across the marina.
“Yeah, and I’m also recording today’s stage of the Tour.” He replied.
“Good man.”

The frenetic chase continued down the marina, until the man turned down a pier, yelling something foreign to someone who looked foreign. The foreign-looking man untied his boat and gruff man hopped on, and Jacob, Will and Jason stood at a loss.

“Quick!” Jason yelled, shoving aside a hot French woman and jumping into a boat.
Will and Jacob jumped on, Jason worked his magic with hotwiring, and the chase was on. The gruff man and the foreign-looking man had the advantage, but Jason’s taste in motor yachts meant that he had selected a nice one.

“Jason!” Jacob yelled above the roar of the engine, “Keep her steady!” He said as he crawled onto the bow, two AK-47s in hand. Using an AK per hand, Jacob sprayed the enemy boat with bullets, yelling in a macho way as he did so. Somehow, his shirt got ripped. Out of ammo, and not wanting to use the ammo in his bandolier, he went back into the boat, and repeated the process with his pistols, yelling obscenities as he did so.

This had no effect on the other boat, but then Jacob started throwing grenades, and they had to take evasive action. Turning about, and with the enemy boat now firing back, and Jacob throwing grenades and shouting lines from the French soldiers from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, it soon became a confused scene. Eventually though, a grenade blew off the enemy boats rudder and rendered the ship unsteerable.

Hurtling towards land at top speed, and with Jason following close behind to save up to 30% fuel, the enemy boat couldn’t steer away from land and Jacob’s boat didn’t notice the approaching land until it was almost too late.

In a move that defied all sense, the foreign-looking guy stripped off his clothes and changed into a non-descript cycling outfit. Knowing that a chase would soon be on hand, Jacob, Will and Jason stripped off their suave clothes for their cycling kits.

With the enemy boat flying in mid-air, having launched off a small seawall above traffic, the foreign-looking guy jumped out of the boat with bike in hand, tucked and rolled on the landing, and performed a cyclocross mount back on.

In awe of his dexterity, and ignoring the cries of the gruff man as he hurtled towards the satisfyingly odd death of boat colliding with the 3rd story of a casino, Jacob, Will and Jason jumped off their boat as it hurtled towards a roulette wheel, rolled, popped up and were lucky to find European cyclotourists on Pinarellos. These unhappy tourists were deprived of their steeds and the chase was on, for the third time.

Weaving in an out of expensive cars was something new to Jacob, as in his messenger boy days the cars he weaved in an out of were mediocre at best. They soon adopted a team time trial type rotation, but were still losing time to the mysterious foreigner. Having his suspicions of all foreigners being better at cycling than him confirmed, Jacob looked somewhat downtrodden.

Fortunately for him though, the pretty girls in the car next to him were sympathetic.

“Something the matter, sexy cyclist?”
“Ah! Quick, give me a pen and paper!” Jacob exclaimed, knowing that there wasn’t much time until the mysterious foreigner was lost forever. As such, he quickly scribbled his name and phone number and gave it to the ladies. Then an even better idea struck him.

“Get your hands on that wheel and follow that cyclist!” he yelled, and then at Will and Jason, “Hold on!”

The pretty girls in their nice car, but not-as-nice-as-he’d-like-car (which made Jacob think that perhaps they weren’t for him) obliged and sped through downtown Monaco chasing the cyclist. Seeing the cards turn against him, the foreigner cyclocross dismounted and started running down an alley.

“Thanks” Jacob said to the ladies, certain that he would never see them again, but consoled by the fact that they weren’t Lamborghini-hot, but just BMW-hot. Jacob, Will and Jason hopped off and followed the man, running now into an abandoned building.

Not pausing the think off the oddity of an abandoned building in Monaco, they ran into the building and stopped, as a shadowy foreign figure stepped out of the haze created by the dust particles that floated around the building being illuminated from one of the few windows in the building through which light was flowing through.

TO CONTINUE THE NEXT DAY!

Episode III: Like a Pigeon Among Cats

Episode 1 - An Unexpected Errand

2009-07-18T14:37:00.006-06:00

It was an ordinary day in Austin Texas. Jacob was inside admiring his air conditioning when his phone rang.

“Hello?”
“Jacob? It’s Chris Horner”
“Chris! How’s it going?”
“Listen I don’t have much time to talk.”
“Hey, how’d you get this number?”
“Lance gave it to me. Never mind that. I’m in Monaco, and I’m about to be-”
“Oh hey! Did you watch the Tour today?”
“Yes, I…Oh, god here they come…”

Sounds of scuffling filled Jacob’s ear, and then, silence.

He had been hung up on. Incensed, he quickly called Chris back.

“Hello?” A gruff voice said on the other end.
“You’re not Chris Horner!”
“Uh, no, no I’m not.”
“Well can I speak to him,” Jacob asked.
“No, no you may not.”
“Can you take a message?”
“No.”
“Do you know when he’ll be coming back?”
“No.”
“Have you taken him hostage?
“Yes, why yes we have.”
“Well you listen to me,” Jacob began, “I have over the years acquired certain skills, and also a keen ability for improvisation. These skills, well, mainly my improvisational ability, will allow me to hunt you down. I will find you, and I will kill you.”
“No you won’t.”
An awkward silence was then felt by both sides.
“You don’t have the guts.”
“Do too,” Jacob replied.
“Then do it.”
Hesitating, Jacob held to phone away from his face, put it back to his ear to see if the bad man had said anything else, and then finally hung up on him. There was no time to celebrate winning the hang-up first game though, he had more important phone calls to make.

“Mr. President? I need a team.”
“Sure thing, what’s the 411?”
“It’s Chris Horner, sir, he’s been taken hostage.”
“Damn! Chris is a good man. You have the full resources of the United States at your disposal.”
“Thank you sir. I’m not sure if the threat is over though, there may be threats to other American cyclists.”
“Jacob,” Obama began, “with your track record, your secret operations in which you rescued dozens of people and killed dozens others, the ones which I can’t talk about over the phone because they’re super-secret, I think the safest place for these cyclists would be with you. I think they can also help you with their knowledge of Europe.”
“With all due respect sir, I don’t work with a team.”
“You just called and said that you did need a team.”
“Oh yeah, I’m surfing the internet and I’m looking at something which mentions not needing a team and I guess it kind of slipped out. I do need a team, and I know who needs to be on it.”
“Well you automatically have my approval, hop to it.”
“Yes sir.”

Not too long later…

“Hello?”
“Fresh Korn. It’s Jacob, the Rhino has been taken hostage, I need you to join me on a trip to Monaco.”
“Damn! Not Horner!” Will exclaimed.
“Hush. We’re using code-words, your phone may be bugged.”
“Uh, yes, Thunderthighs, I’ll make arrangements accordingly.”

“Hello?”
“Paul McCartney?”
“Uh, no this is Jason.”
“Dang it!” Jacob exclaimed, “does no one use code-names anymore? Ah, forget it.”
“Wait, who the hell is this?”
“Oh yeah, it’s Jacob, Horner is taken hostage, and we’re going to Monaco.”
“Guess I better bring my guns.”
“Yes.”

“Hello?”
“Have you ever seen a grown man naked?”
“What?”
“Oh, my, I’m sorry. Uh, it’s Jacob. I was watching Airplane and Leslie Nielson said that line and it just sort’ve came out.”
“Um, ok.”
“Listen, Taylor Phinney, most of our operative are out racing the Tour de France, and we’re needed in Monaco, so I’m calling you up to the big leagues.”
“You mean, my first operation?”
“Yeah, you’ll mostly be handling tech, but it’s a big job, I know you’ll be able to deliver.”
“I won’t let you down sir.”
“Good, now get to Monaco rookie.”

His team assembled. Jacob began to make arrangements for his trip to Monaco. He knew this was to be no vacation.

Several hours later, he wisely declined the offer of airline peanuts. They might have been poison.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Episode II: In a Cool Place, Things Hot Up

Coming Soon...

2009-07-15T03:02:00.003-06:00

Coming soon, to a blog near you...

A Texas Cat 4 cyclist finds himself at the center of a desperate powerplay that could rock the world of professional cycling. Full of espionage, deceit, machine guns and chamois, can this humble cyclist save the Tour de France? Found out in...

An update

2009-07-06T08:52:00.003-06:00

Tales from the Peloton hired a bevy of bounty hunters, private investigators, and other unsavory contacts in order to locate the whereabouts of the suddenly elusive American star cyclist.

Several of them died, but one was able to discover that Jacob is currently roughing it in the Pyrenees where he has taken a vow of silence amongst a group of Cistercian monks so that he might learn of their famous sprinting skills.

It would appear that being a climber in a sprinters world had taken it's toll on the young star, and that he seeks to exact vengeance on his nemesis' on the flats now as well. Time will only tell if taking orders will help his sprinting or not...

Cycling the Big Island

2009-06-19T22:27:00.002-06:00

Recently, my dad and I found ourselves on the Big Island with a couple of rented bikes. I did a couple rides with him and a couple rides without him, he doing a triathlon without me. Here's an index of the posts:

Ride 1: Old Mamalahoa Highway

Ride 2: Kohala Mountain

Ride 3: Hina Pali Lookout

Ride 4: Chain of Craters Climb

Other Possible Rides

Here are some other resources I used in planning cycling on the Big Island:

Steephill.tv has an excellent account of their travels on the Big Island, often with prettier pictures than mine.

Bicycling Magazine has a good article too, it's better written but contains less pretty pictures.

Ride 1: Old Mamalahoa

2009-06-19T20:05:00.013-06:00

Route Map

My ride started out being dropped up about 1500 feet up Highway 19. There was still a fair amount of climbing to do after that, but it was all at a low grade. There’s a small shoulder and the road is fairly heavily trafficked. Highway 19 after Wailua wasn’t much to ride on either; there was a small shoulder and it was also highly trafficked.

After the turn onto Old Mamalahoa however, cars were an afterthought. At the start, Old Mamalahoa was sheltered on one side by thick trees and open on the other side. Soon these trees go away and it’s all pastureland.

It was hazy when I rode and the temperature here was a good 15 degrees cooler than closer to the coast, and a lot nicer to look at.

This section had small rollers which weren't challenging.

After the pastureland, there was a lengthy downhill. It was a fun and windy descent, but not too technical. It got me going fast enough to where I didn't need to worry about cars passing me. Then it was into Honokaa, where I refilled on fluids and got a bite to eat. The shore was visible coming into the town and I was tempted to try and go find it. The result ended in me walking my bike uphill…

It doesn't look that steep, but it's very hard going closer to the top. Going back up the Old Mamalahoa climb was enjoyable.

The climb gains about 1200 feet in almost 4 miles. It's a steady climb, and I was able to keep up a pretty good pace up it that wasn’t exhausting.

Coming back through the rolling section was still nice, and had very little wind.

I came out onto Highway 19 and followed that all the way to Waikaloa.
The shoulder on 19 opens up when it flattens out, but given that it was 15 degrees warmer than where I was before, sunny, and unscenic, it wasn’t too much fun to ride on.

Ride 2: Kohala Mountain

Ride 3: Hina Pali Lookout

2009-06-19T19:09:00.016-06:00

Route Map

We moved over closer to Volcanoes National park for the next few days and did some cycling around there. The first day was a ride around Chain of Craters road and then down to the Hina Pali lookout.

Cycling around Chain of Craters was nice and forested, and nice weatherwise.

It was the weekend, and I was surprised at the lack of cars, but come Tuesday and all the parking lots were packed. The ride to the lookout was about 9 miles of descending that was never steep enough to approach technical. It was a one-lane road though, so we had to take some care around the corners. Especially because it became foggy and we encountered some rain.

After a few miles of this, we were sure that the lookout wouldn’t be as nice as promised, and we were right.

At least there was a photo there to show us what we might have seen.

Biking back up is a lengthy affair and seems like 9 miles of a false flat.

Things cleared up near getting back onto Chain of Craters. Chain of Craters has some nice little uphills to keep things interesting, but nothing too challenging. Then it was back on home (rental cabin).

Ride 4: Chain of Craters Climb

Ride 2: Kohala Mountain

2009-06-19T19:09:00.015-06:00

Route Map

Started out in Waikaloa and went up highway 19. Like I said about my last ride, highway 19 isn’t entirely too interesting.

Fortunately for me though, there was a half-ironman going on that day, so I got to ride in with a bunch of triathletes on nice aero bikes. It made the ride more interesting, and gave me some different photos to take.

My image of the ironman course was that it would be pancake flat, but this wasn’t true. There were some pretty large rollers which sapped the energy out of me, especially because all the other riders on the course were going faster than me (they also all had aerobars…). After the turn onto 270, the scenery got better, more trees became visible, the temperature dropped a bit and there were nice views of the ocean.

It’s maybe a 600 foot climb into Hawi, but nothing too steep. Then I turned onto 250, and things got steeper.

There’s no shoulder on 250, but nor was there much traffic. If the mapmyride elevation info can be trusted, it’s 7-8% for about 1200 feet.

The climb gets less steep after that and eventually opens to the ridge of the mountain, where things are flatter, but also very windy.

The views up there are excellent and the coast far below could be seen.

It’s uphill rollers on the ridge, which eventually gained trees for protection from the wind.

I was really hurting at this point though, and had to stop once as my legs were almost cramping. I had also exhausted the better part of my three water bottles. Needless to say, this sign was quite a relief:

It was mostly all downhill from there. Descending into Waimea was a blast, maybe 1200 feet that flew by, with the mountain on the left and open views to the plain below on the right.

Steephill.tv has a prettier picture of the view than I do. After going into Waimea for drinks and a snack, it was back down 19, back onto the Half-Iron course, now less populated and I actually passed people this time, and back to the hotel.

Ride 3: Hina Pali Lookout

Ride 4: Chain of Craters Climb

2009-06-19T19:03:00.010-06:00

Route Map

After a much needed rest day, it was time for the Chain of Craters climb. This day was going to be little more than a lengthy climb. 10 miles of riding to a lookout point 2,000 feet up. Starting out was flat and windy.

There is a flat area closer to the coast and then a ridge which has most of the climbing.

It’s mostly old lava flows, so it’s nice to be able to see where you came from.

There was a lookout at around 2000 feet. I don't have any good photos of the lookout, but here's the 2000 foot sign.

The descent had maybe one turn in it.

Then it was back onto the flats, where the wind had really picked up. Then it was the literal end of the road.

Other Possible Rides in Hawai'i

Other possible rides

2009-06-19T19:02:00.006-06:00

There was more cycling to do in Hawai'i than my legs were capable of, and here's my take on some other roads on the Big Island which I had considered cycling.

In the Puna Coast:
137/Kapoho Kalahana Road is a nice road along the coast which offers some excellent views and transitions easily from exposed lava flows, to heavily forested areas, to nice views of the beach. There isn't much traffic on the road. Pohoiki Road is nearby and is also nice, but more heavily trafficked and starts out quite narrow. Cycling up 130 looks miserable - there's a bunch of pavement, it was steep, and there really wasn't much to see.

Volcanoes:
Mauna Loa lookout. Thought about doing this ride, but took a nap instead. As sore as I was then, I don't regret it, but it's a nice road up to an alright lookout.

It's about a 2500 foot climb and has some nice hard sections. It is a one-lane road, but there wasn't much traffic when we drove to the top.

Kona:
Ali'i Drive. I wouldn't want to bike this road at all. It's high traffic, small shoulder, and a large amount of runners and pedestrians going the other way on the shoulder. I would perhaps consider it though if I were a female in a bikini on a cruiser bike, or had a surfboard rigged to my bike (also a cruiser bike).

Cycling the Big Island Index

Now with more aloha

2009-06-18T22:26:00.005-06:00

Battling jet-lag, tired from an abbreviated nights sleep, not having ridden a bike in almost three weeks and with unshaven legs, Jacob rode in to do battle at the Driveway 4/5 crit. As well, it was about 100 degrees out and winds blowing at 15-17 knots. It was the first chance he’d get to race the 4/5 without having done the 3/4 race just prior, and both he and the tifosi were eager for results.

Upon arriving at the Driveway however, Jacob realized that he had forgotten his favorite souvenir from Hawai’i:

No matter, he just gritted his teeth and bore in for a tough fight.

Moving to the front from the very start, Jacob decided to see how his legs felt. The results were not encouraging. Soldiering on, results from his stomach were not encouraging as well. Getting lapped was not very encouraging either. These were not the same legs that rocketed him to 10th in the 3/4 race weeks prior.

15 minutes after it began, the 30 minute crit was over.

Will his return to form be succesful? Will his old legs return to him? Will he get a set of new, more attractive legs? There's only one way to find out! Stay tuned!

Sandnessjøen- Sherbet Land Grand Prix

2009-06-13T14:52:00.002-06:00

The following is Jacob's travel journal in it's entirety that he kept while in Norway. The journal was only recently discovered and made public, having previously been entombed in a thick layer of permafrost for months prior.

Though the Peloton begged to the likewise, Jacob took a week off from the peloton in order to locate and bring back two fabled riders from the past of UT cycling – feisty Swedish sprinter Mathieu Von and Spanish breakaway artist Jorge “De los piernas peludos” Hagstromo.

These were not your ordinary cyclists, and Jacob knew hunting them down would be tough. Knowing their exact location was impossible, but Jacob knew that they did their summer training in the Sahara and their winter training in the wastes of Norway. And so our intrepid hero went to Norway.

The following are excerpts from his travel journal:

Day 1: Took a small plane from Oslo to Sandnessjøen. The locals seemed wary of my Fuji.

Day 2: After some asking around, I heard of a local crit raced on a thawing fjord. Thought I might look for our two racers there. Obtained this photo I’ve attached. To get more grip on the ice, I’m going to run some 25s I picked up. I never thought it would come to that. This is the only bike race where people have died of hypothermia, so I’ll have to be on my toes.

I find the giant penguin intimidating, not because he looks to be a dozen feet tall and angry, but because if he got here all the way from the South Pole, he must be pretty badass.

Day 3: The race is tomorrow, but I consulted a Noaide, the Norwegian version of a Shaman, and asked his blessing for the race. I had to sacrifice my Fuji to the cycle gods, but I got a Storck in return. The Noaide spat on me a few times, I’m convinced it’s part of the ritual.

Day 4: Raced in the crit. 23 starters. It is not unlike the crit races we have in the states except it’s on ice. It was a flat course with wide turns, not unlike the Driveway of old. I was cornering and the guy next to me lost his grip, hit the deck, and just kept sliding. Another time someone fell into thin ice. Impressively, he then burst out of thin ice about 10 feet later and kept on going like nothing had happened. He managed to get in first in the sprint. By this time, the group had been parsed to about 10 people. We came around the final turn and the guy who had crashed earlier was still sliding around the course and slides into the group, just behind my rear wheel. I stay upright and sprint away, coming in 2nd. 1st was Henrik Guttormsomsen, and 3rd was Edvald Schlendenson. Everyone on the podium was invited to the Cykle Platz, a German fortress from WWII recommissioned as a cycling fortress. I decided to go the next day.

Day 5: I looked up the history of the Cykle Platz. It is a safe haven for road cyclists against roaming bands of fixed gear riders. Apparently, the fixed gear riders they catch get the ‘flop and chop’ treatment. I don’t know what it is, but it doesn’t sound friendly. Entering was an intimidating affair. Even though I podiumed at a crit, I could be a fixed gear rider in disguise. I showed them my freshly shampooed hair and uttered the secret password ‘brifters’ and I was in.

After passing guards armed with ninja-stars in the shape of gears and nun-chucks with frame pumps at the end of 10-speed chains, I was ushered into the royal hall. There, before my eyes, were Jorge Hagstromo and Mathieu Von, sitting atop Selle Italia Strike saddles made of white gold, and with women clad in polar-bear skin bikinis frolicking around them. I beseeched them on behalf of the beleaguered Texas Cycling Mens B team to return to America, take up racing there, and prepare themselves for a mighty campaign. These two assented to my humble request and consulted me on other matters at which I am not at liberty to divulge. We did however, decide that it was time to cast off the old German name for the fortress and call the impressive structure Velohalla.

Texas Loggerhead

2009-05-27T22:06:00.005-06:00

One of our Tales From The Peloton correpsondents sat down with Jacob yesterday to discuss one of the more interesting members of his cycling team...

TFTP: "So what's the story behind the Texas Loggerhead?"

Jacob: "Well, a few years ago, in the wee hours of the morning, one of the treasurers at Texas Cycling was set to order some letterhead for the team. But in a coffee induced stupor, she accidentaly adopted a loggerhead turtle off the coast of Hawaii. We named him Yurtle."

TFTP: "Now, in this press photo, Yurtle appears to be wearing a helmet, is there a story behind this?"

Jacob: "Hahaha, it's a long one, but sure. Well, so here was Texas Cyling with an adopted turtle, so we decided to outfit him in our entire team kit. We worked closely with Hincapie and his lyrca spinning weevils of Southern Madagascar to develop a material uniquely suited to Yurtles needs. The results were actually astounding. I'll put it this way, they contemplated banning the LZR, well they definately would've banned this suit. Yurtle was flying. And not just the physical benefits, but the psychological ones too. A local I was chatting with the other day told me that Yurtle had been seen hunting sharks in his Texas Cycling kit. But unfortunately for the other turtles, Yurtle was the only one 'getting any play' as I believed it was explained to me. So, we had to have his suit taken away, but the helmet remained. It doesn't enhance performance like the kit does, it just keeps his noggin' safe."

TFTP: "Fascinating. And so how is Yurtle these days?"

Jacob: "Oh, I snorkeled with him yesterday and he's doing outstanding. He's not as young as he was three years ago, but what he's able to do at this age is tremendous, and we're really happy to have him flying the Texas Cycling banner way down here."

TFTP: "Well, it is really a great thing you all are doing here, any plans to adopt any other animals in the future?"

Jacob: "Well, I'm afraid I can't spill too much yet, but I do believe we are making contacts with nomads on the Siberian steppes to pursue just such an option. I'm sure we'll hear more about it later."

TFTP: "Well, as always, it's been a pleasure."

Jacob: "Thank you, and have a good one."

This Just In!

2009-05-27T21:51:00.004-06:00

Jacob is here seen on a routine training ride in Hawai'i

"Naturally, the key to cycling on lava is not to fall and become consumed by flames. What a lot of people don’t do properly is deflate their tires to 20-30 psi, with the trick here being that when you begin cycling on the lava, the heat will cause the air to expand. Running slicks, while doable, isn’t preferable for cycling on these conditions; I much prefer to run some cross tires that I used in the fall. There may be some downsides, but I have never had a problem with pinch flats. I cannot wait to see how the bike handling learned here will translate to future endeavors. "

Deja Vu...

2009-05-27T21:21:00.003-06:00

At the Texas State skill based crit, Jacob finds himself along his buddy from summer camp last year - Damiano Cunego…

Damiano: So Jacob, are you doping free?
Jacob: Yes, yes I am.
Damiano: Here, have a leftover holiday themed sticker.

Jacob: Oh, he’s a cute little guy.
Damiano: So he is. But let’s get down to business. How are we going to destroy this race today?
Jacob: Well, I was planning on taking a flyer with one lap to go, that seems to be about how long I can hold those things.
Damiano: Interesting idea.
Jacob: I don’t think the sprint benefits me, but if I can be in a strong position beforehand, I hopefully won’t be passed by too many people.
Damiano: Well, I think it will be successful. I think we can win this race.
Jacob: Yes we can!

25 minutes later...

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a flyer!

2009-05-27T17:50:00.003-06:00

Jacob: Philippe Gilbert, Nikolas Vogondy, Sylvain Chavanel!
Philippe: Ah, Jacob, how nice to see you.
Jacob: What brings ya’ll to Texas?
Slyvain: The GS Tenzing Crit of course.
Nikolas: It seems so ripe for a flyer, we just couldn’t resist.
Jacob: Flyer hmmmm…might be worth my while.
Philippe: Oh, it’s always worth it. It’s ballsy, it looks good, and occasionally it just might work.
Jacob: Hmmm…just might work.
Slyvain: We were planning on one later, perhaps you would like to join?
Jacob: This might be possible.

The race proceeds somewhat uninterestingly, primes are tossed about, but none come Jacob’s way. A water bottle that was tossed takes an awkward bounce and flies back into the peloton, and a minivan got on the course, but other than that it was a pretty relaxing hour, with Slyvain showing photos of his latest vacation to Mont Saint-Michel.

Slyvain: And then, a couple hours later, it was an island again!
Nikolas: Fascinating! And it does this everday?
Slyvain: Yes! It’s the current of the ocean, it makes the place so very defensible.
Philippe: Incredible, Jacob, have you ever heard such things?
Jacob: Indeed I have, but witnessed it, I have not.
Slyvain: Oh, you should be sure to visit sometime.
Jacob: I’m actually going to Hawai’i in a few days.
Philippe: Oh, how interesting!
Jacob: I’ll be biking and swimming and sundry other activities.
Nikolas: Oh, that sounds grand!
Slyvain: He guys, it’s almost time for a flyer.
Philippe: Just a few laps left? I’m more of a 50k flyer type of guy myself, but if everyone’s doing it I guess I might as well…
Nikolas: Oh, join it’ll be fun. Jacob, you coming?

Jacob: Hmm…only two laps left, eh, it just be able to work…
Slyvain: Bonne, off we go!

And like the three musketeers of old, except with an American and a Belgian amidst them, and four instead of three, they attacked.

Slyvain: Quite the gap we’ve got!

Jacob: Yes, but here’s two riders bridging.
Nikolas: Just over one lap to go.
Philippe: We can work with the other two maybe?
Jacob: No good, one dropped off and I can’t quite match the acceleration of the other.
Nikolas: Just this right turn to start the last lap and…
Slyvain: The wind!

Philippe: Ah! It blows us to pieces!
Nikolas: Mon dieu!
Slyvain: C’est terrible!
Philippe: Oh, what catastrophe!
Jacob: Gah! We’ve been overtaken, and can’t accelerate
Nikolas: Waaaaaah!

Philippe: Where’d Nikolas go?
Slyvain: The wind has taken him!
Philippe: Oh, poor soul!

The lamentations continued. Though full of typical Jacobean dash and bravado, ultimately the move was not successful. In hindsight, tactically it just wasn’t too smart.

Phoneathon Vaughters

2009-05-23T23:56:00.003-06:00

Jacob: Hello?

JV: Jacob, it’s Jonathan Vaughters.
Jacob: Hey, JV, what’s going on?
JV: Not much man, how are you?
Jacob: Out racing the Driveway actually.
JV: Yeah, that’s why I called. Time for me to step in as your DS.
Jacob: On my cell phone?
JV: They don’t allow radios.
Jacob: Yeah, but-
JV: Hey, get in this early break.
Jacob: But it won’t stick.
JV: We need the TV time.
Jacob: Who’s we?
JV: Bridge damnit!
Jacob: Alright, alright, I’m here.
JV: Now pull.

Jacob: I just got here!
JV: Revenue! Advertising!
Jacob: I’m pulling, I’m pulling. And we’re caught.
JV: Good work.
Jacob: Am I done for the day?
JV: You wish. Just sit in the back for now, keep an eye on things there.
Jacob: But the Silence-Lotto guys look at me funny.
JV: Don’t worry about them.
Jacob: So, I’m done for a bit?
JV: Yeah.
Jacob: Should I hang up?
JV: Well, I’m going to call you again in about 10 minutes or so.
Jacob: My phones on vibrate, I might not here it.
JV: Yeah, I’ll have important things to say then, so let’s stay on the line.

Jacob: So how’s the family?
JV: Doing pretty good. They’re in Italy for the Giro.
Jacob: Shouldn’t you be in Italy?
JV: I was this morning.
Jacob: Oh.

JV: So how’s the girlfriend?
Jacob: What girlfriend?
JV: Oh. Yeah. So you’re an English major?
Jacob: Yeah.
JV: How’s that going?
Jacob: Pretty good, got one more year to go, shouldn’t be too bad.
JV: Uhuh, that’s great. Hey, it’s the last lap, time to get back in the race.
Jacob: You couldn’t have told me this a couple laps ago?
JV: No. Your flyer off the front will get more TV time if the last they saw of you you were on the back.
Jacob: Off the front?
JV: Yeah, you’ll lead our Farrar.
Jacob: Ty’s here? I haven’t seen him…
JV: He’s in disguise, now get off the front!

JV: Hold, hold!
Jacob: Too. Soon. For. Sprint! Can’t. Heart. Rate. 205! Can’t. Keep. Arrgh!
JV: There, done. Next time, we’ll work on not getting passed by 9 people. Good job though.

Euskaltel Monotony

2009-05-23T23:54:00.002-06:00

Armed with a cadre of intrepid teammates, the ever-vigilant Jacob headed southwards to do battle with the best that San Antonio had to offer…things would go rather boringly from there. Fortunately though, he had Inaki Isasi and Sammy Sanchez to keep him company…

Jacob: So Inaki, what’s it like being a sprinter in the Pro Peloton?
Inaki: Pretty nice. I’m not like whiny other sprinters who can’t go uphill to save their lives, so on hard days I hang out with the grupetto, and on sprint days I fight for wheels. It’d be nice if I could ever get a lead out…
Sammy: Oh yeah, because Sammy Sanchez can lead people out.
Inaki: Yeah, it’s not like he sprints to first in the Olympics…
Sammy: Sammy knows how to go uphill, that’s about it.

Jacob: Must be somewhat frustrating to not do much in a race and then not gain a result.
Sammy: Sammy doesn’t know what that feels like.
Inaki: It’s not so bad really.
Jacob: Really? Because for me it sucks.
Inaki: Well for me, I still get paid.
Jacob: A low blow…
Sammy: Sammy only dishes out blows on the hills. Sammy’s gonna change the subject.
Jacob: You didn’t change the subject, you just sorta ended it…
Sammy: Oh, didn’t I, didn’t I?
Jacob & Inaki: Oh Sammy, hahaha

Inaki: Don’t you have a rider up the road?
Jacob: Do I? Huh, never noticed.
Inaki: I don’t often know what it feels like myself…
Sammy: Hard to counter if you don’t even know he’s being reeled in.
Inaki: So much for ever-vigilant.
Jacob: Yeah, well, I must’ve got distracted.
Inaki: There goes another teammate of yours.
Jacob: Maybe I’ll counter after he gets reeled in.
Sammy: Maybe you won’t and will just sit in waiting for things to end but won’t have to legs or nuts to really do anything towards the end and you won’t get a good placing at all.

Too true Sammy, too true…

Cheap Talk

2009-05-09T10:54:00.002-06:00

With a vigilant eye on these hard economic times, Jacob knew that talk was cheap. So, entering both the 3/4 and the 4/5 races at the Driveway, Jacob decided to let his legs do all the talking...

Having thusly been dissapointed by all his lower body except his right calf, Jacob decided to investigate these cupcakes he had heard so much about...

My God, Where is the Peloton?

2009-05-07T14:59:00.004-06:00

Our Tales from the Peloton! correspondent, Giraud LeBlanc caught up with rider Jacob Dodgsen after the Sugarland Criterium in Houston, Texas. Jacob was coming off a disappointing sprint in Coldspring and found himself unable to catch onto the lead group in the Sugarland 4/5s.

TFTP: Jacob, can you assess in your own words how you felt about your results this weekend?

Jacob: Well, it was pretty disappointing really, I know that I’m in good form, but I just lacked the kick yesterday. Today though, I just wasn’t aggressive enough early on to get myself in the top group of racers. Our chase group worked together well, but we just didn’t have enough to chase them down.

TFTP: Would you say you’re disappointed by these results?

Jacob: Yes, that's what I just said.

TFTP: We’re also curious as to the big elephant in the room that no-one is talking about, the return of French time trial specialist Christophe Collíns.

Jacob: Well, I rode with Christophe a few days ago and he seemed to be in good spirits. He’s been off the bike a while so he’s got some catching up to do, but hopefully we’ll seem out there being competitive again here shortly.

TFTP: So, what are your post-race plans?

Jacob: Currently, I’m none too pleased, so I intend to head out early, drive back to Austin and play some Halo. Shoot some people in the face, that sort’ve thing.

TFTP: Well, I guess then that answers my next question about you and Maria Sharapova.

Jacob: What are you saying?

TFTP: Uh, just that getting angry about sucking in a race and then releasing that anger by playing violent video games is a typically single male thing to do.

Jacob: And how do you release your stress huh? Parade around the Champs-Elysee drinking fine wine until you forget your miseries? Shopping in your effeminate high end retailers? Gambling in Monaco? Being a creep at a nude beach? You little swine, you-

TFTP: Mr. Dodgsen, please contain yourself. Such anger after sucking it up in a race is normal.

Jacob: Suck? You cowardly pissant! You don’t know a thing do you! You don’t tell me how I did, you sniveling little ingrate, I swear-

TFTP: Mr. Dodgsen, contain yourself!

Jacob: You listen here LeBlanc! I’m sick of you reporter types. All up in my face? How’d you Jacob? How’d you do? I’ll tell you Jacob, you sucked! And you play video games to relieve stress, just all the other single American slobs! Why not eat some cake to go with it? Well maybe I will! You piss me off! Question this, assume that! Ask ask ask ask, blah blah blah blah-

TFTP: So I take it you don’t want to share your thoughts on Simeoni returning the Italian Champions jersey?

Coldspring Clash!

2009-05-05T20:15:00.002-06:00

After a four hour drive of mild epicness, Jacob arrived at scenic Coldspring Texas, ready to tackle the Cat 4 peloton, and perhaps buy some tackle and go fishing later…

Frank: Greetings Jacob, it us, Andy and Frank
Andy: We the two jolly brothers of team Saxo Bank.

Jacob: Uh…hi, how ya’ll doing?
Frank: We’re doing pretty well
Andy: We think the environment here is right swell.
Jacob: Yeah, it’s nice to see actual trees and a forest and things.
Frank: Indeed, not much like the rest of Texas
Andy: A nice retreat from the farmland that so vex’s us.

Jacob: So, I gotta ask, do you two always rhyme?
Frank: Indeed we do, it keeps our minds a-thinking
Andy: And Bjarne Riis finds it amusing after post-race drinking.
Jacob: Interesting.
Frank: Look, here be the finish climb
Andy: Uh, uh. Get out of the saddle to show off your behind.
Jacob: Oh, if you insist.

Show off his behind he did. But the hard pace he put out wasn’t enough to cause any breaks in the field.

Frank: An unfortunate thing, that you are not strong enough to cause a split
Andy: And as well that you on your saddle now sit.

Jacob: I had no idea that you two were this weird.
Frank: We keep our peculiarities under wraps.
Andy: You don’t even know about our penchant for rap.
Jacob: That’s pretty much the same word, it shouldn’t count.
Frank: Yes, Andy is perhaps not the best, he’s not so old.
Andy: Oh, piss off, at least I didn’t crash at Amstel Gold.
Frank: Yeah, well at last year’s final TT in the Tour at least I didn’t fold.
Andy: When I saw you fly off the road in the Tour de Suisse I really lol’d.
Jacob: Woah, guys. Save it for the streets of Luxembourg.

Frank: You are right, let’s put this pettiness behind us.
Andy: Yes, brother I think that we must.
Jacob: Care to dispense with the rhyming as well?
Frank: No way.
Andy: Jose.
Jacob: Alright then.
Frank: Look, here comes the finishing sprint.
Andy: Yes, we’ll have to do it very quick. Damn.

Fearing that perhaps they would start rhyming again, Jacob let them go in the uphill sprint.

The Balls!

2009-04-29T13:05:00.003-06:00

Victory at the team time trial had been accomplished. Texas beat MSU by less than 2 seconds, which was equal to about how long the aerodynamically disadvantaged Jacob pulled for, so sprits were high. His spirits were also high because he thought that he would get a pretty gold medal for partaking in the winning effort, which would be the first time the bike had earned anything for him, besides a quarter he found on the road once. Also exciting was fellow Austinite Lance Armstrong riding with him.

Lance: Jacob!
Jacob: Lance!
Lance: Dude, I’ve been a huge fan of yours for a long time, it’s an honor to finally meet you.
Jacob: Thanks Lance, you too.
Lance: Hey, after the race, can you sign my copy of your book, ‘It’s not about the Blog’?
Jacob: Sure thing.
Lance: Wow, cool, thanks. You know, your story of going through college while maintaining peak performance at the Cat 4 level has been really inspiring for both me and my friends.
Jacob: Enough about me though, how’ve you been?
Lance: Pretty good, my broken collarbone has given me a lot of time off, it’s been pretty relaxing.
Jacob: Yeah?

Lance: Yeah, I’ve been reevaluating why I got into cycling in the first place.
Jacob: Why’s that?
Lance: The balls, Jacob, the balls.
Jacob: But don’t you just-
Lance: You know, I thought about quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer, all at the same time. But I got back on the bike, because it would show people I had balls. And I won the Tour, for the balls. Then it became habitual. Then I retired early, then I returned – for the balls.
Jacob: Ballsy stuff.
Lance: I’m like a ball pit of balls, Jacob. It’s an awesome feeling.

Jacob: That’s actually pretty creepy Lance.
Lance: In the end, it’s not about victory. Sometime someone’ll sit-in in a breakaway, not pull and take the sprint. He has victory, but it’s meaningless. The guy who attacked to create the winning break – he’s got balls, which is more important than victory.
Jacob: Sure that you’re not compensating for something?
Lance: I’ve won seven Tours, I have nothing to compensate for.
Jacob: Makes sense. So it’s all about balls you say…

Inspired by Lances exposition on the merits of having balls, and knowing that the home-town fans wanted some fireworks, Jacob attacked.

Lance: Pretty good attack Jacob, too bad that Tech guy chased you down.
Jacob: Yeah, I was hoping to tire an MSU guy.
Lance: You can’t always get what you want Jacob, but if you try sometime, you’ll find you get what you need…
Jacob: I think I need everyone else to crash to have a shot at victory.
Lance: Jacob, it’s not about victory, it’s about the balls. Attack again.

Jacob: But I just did.
Lance: Either use a women’s saddle from now on or attack again. Also, I will hurt you.
Jacob: Yes, Lance.

Jacob attacked again.

Lance: Yes, that is how you endear yourself. That and the cancer.
Jacob: I feel like my balls are big enough and that I don’t need to attack again.
Lance: I’d disagree, but you’ll learn in time. Time to win the sprint finish.

Jacob: But I’m so tired!
Lance: This is something you must do.
Jacob: Oh fine, I’ll move up with two to go.
Lance: We’re half-way through the last lap. Sprint up, then sprint again.
Jacob: I can’t.
Lance: Balls! Balls! Balls!
Jacob: I’ll try.

Try he did. Did not he did as well.

The Fantastic Four

2009-04-28T16:23:00.003-06:00

Assebled for the Men's B Team Time Trial was a squad of heroes ulike any other yet unleashed on the world...

Mat Von Panke - Strong German triathlete turned cyclist, with superhuman nutritional knowledge

Jacob Dodgsen - Norwegian climber and breakaway artist best known for impressive pack finishes and a small amount of cyclocross skills

Danelo DiVarelo - Punchy Italian climber and time trial specialist - always a GC threat

Johnathan Caputon - Another strong Italian, with breakaway skills and the guts to get in them, he sweats pure olive oil

Needless to say, their victory was complete.

Clawing back up

2009-04-28T09:15:00.004-06:00

It was the end of the UT road race, and it was just Jacob and three aggies. With an MSU rider up the road. As well as five other people. Considering though that Jacob got dropped quite early in the first lap, and had caught up to a bunch of people, it wasn’t a bad place to be. Except for the Aggies. But as it turned out, it was they who feared him…

Jacob: Hey guys, can I join the discussion?
Aggie: No.
Jacob: You’re planning how to attack me right?
Aggie: This is possible.
Jacob: So are we not chasing the guy up the road then?
Aggie: Uh, if you want to…
Jacob: I’d work-
Aggie: All the work?
Jacob: No.

Just then two aggies went up the road, the other stayed behind to block Jacob the only way he knew how, brake-checking him.

Aggie: You’re the one they call Thunderthighs Dodson?

Jacob: The very same. Now stand aside!
Aggie: Never!

And so they dueled. Jacob attacking, the aggie throwing on the brakes. It was a dance, it was beauty, it was a battle royale. It was also damned annoying.

Jacob: Time to end this nonsense

Aggie: Up! Up!

But his cries were stifled by the howling wind and the other two aggies remained oblivious of the threat growing behind them.

Jacob: Oh, my god! It's me!

Aggie: Thunderthighs! It’s you!
Jacob: So are we going to toy with me or try chasing?
Aggie: Toy with you.

And toy they did, trying a variety of attacks until they managed to get one slightly up the road and the other blocking. But then, in an exciting and dangerous moment, the aggie up the road dropped his chain.

Jacob: That was uneventful.
Aggie: I’m really disappointed how this ended up.
Jacob: You all probably could’ve taken me in a sprint.
Aggie: Aha! So your weakness is revealed.
Jacob: Crap. I mean…I suck at climbing.

Suck in a sprint he did. But, having clawing his way past shelled riders, Jacob moved from dropped on the first lap to 8th. Somehow. His tenacity unquestioned, his relentlessness unparalleled, his leg-shaving skills entirely subpar, Jacob set his sights on the team time trial…

The End of an Age

2009-04-24T15:29:00.004-06:00

Still searching for a stage win, Jacob rides with Will Frischkorn in search of glory on a warm afternoon in Wichita Falls.

Jacob: Dude, those guys have legs of steel.
Will: I wish I had a bronze tan like that.
Jacob: Those wheels look pretty heavy though.
Will: That’s all I got.
Jacob: Same here.
Statue1: I have brass balls.
Jacob: Hadn’t thought of that.
Statue2: If I’m a bit squirrely, it’s because my crit skills are rusty
Will: Damn, they showed us.

Jacob: Will, what’s it like having a cool last name?
Will: It’s pretty neat really. Fresh Korn is a pretty easy name for my blog.
Jacob: Do you like my idea of starting a blog called Dod’s Son?
Will: Uh…
Jacob: Cause I think it’s got some potential.
Will: I think you can do better.
Jacob: Dachshund?
Will: Get back to me on that one.

Will: We’re having a hard time holding this pace.
Jacob: No need to tell me, I-
Will: Jacob! Your mustache!

Jacob: What?
Will: It, it’s still growing!
Jacob: Curses! It must be stealing my lactic acid to grow at such a rate!

Will: It must be stopped if we have any hope of staying in this race.
Jacob: I’ll get a feed.
Jacob: Razor! Razor!

Will: Hurry Jacob! We’re falling off the back!

Jacob: Almost there...

Jacob: Vill! Vhat do you think of mein mustache now?
Will: I don’t think that that’s a popular fashion.
Jacob: And...Done!

But it was too little too late. Despite the surge in strength, Jacob couldn’t chase down the pack in time.

Time Trial of...ease

2009-04-24T13:47:00.002-06:00

Jacob: La-dee-dee-dum-dee-dee-dee-dee-dum-dum-lala-lala….
Danny Pate: Yeah, nothing like not trying in a time trial.
Jacob: It must be rough being a domestique who can TT, because then you have to work on other people’s off-days.
Danny: Yeah, but there’s something about the TT, the individual effort that-
Jacob: Oh crap, a camera, better look like I’m working.

Danny: Oh yeah, sell it…

And sell it he did, so much so that the officials thought he beat the rest of the Bs by 45 seconds. He got it fixed up though and put himself into last place.

The Flying Moustache

2009-04-22T10:20:00.006-06:00

It had been a few weeks off for our intrepid hero, and during that time he had grown a moustache, befriended the entirety of the Garmin-Slipstream team, and also convinced them to get a masters in Sports Science, so they can stop paying for doping testing and just do it themselves. This curious bunch expressed their thanks in an endless supply of Chipotle burritos, and Jacob had had nothing else to eat for the past two weeks. He felt like this would be his key to victory. And also having Dave Zabriskie and Steven Cozza working for him couldn’t hurt.

Jacob: So Dave, what’s our plan for today?
Dave: Jacob, having a moustache means having no plan.
Steven: It does the work for you. It’s like a robot butler that creates cycling strategy for you.
Dave: Like a DS and domestique riding above your lip.
Steven: It is the essence of excellence.
Jacob: Wow…
Dave: The essence of comfort is in DZ Nuts. We’re not just chamois cream, we’ve got a whole line of accessories.

Jacob: Wait, how did you just place a hyperlink into our conversation?
Dave: It’s the power of the moustache.
Steven: You’d be balls crazy not to ride with DZ Nuts protecting your junk.
Dave: Well put Steven, well put.
Jacob: Whoa, what’s going on here?

Steven: Looks like two large moose-
Dave: Meese?
Jacob: Mooses?

Steven: Moosi’i? Uh…One moose is bucking horns with another.
Jacob: Well if they wanted a pissing contest, they could’ve pulled off to the side of the road.
Dave: Perhaps they’re trying to impress the ladies?
Steven: Interestingly, most of them are gone.
Jacob: Ironic.
Dave: Perhaps their crotches are enflamed?
Jacob: I’d prefer not to consider that option.
Dave: Jacob, alls I see are opportunities…
Jacob: Perhaps you can give me a free sample so I can endorse it to my friends?

Dave: No can do.
Steven: Would you like a free burrito though?
Jacob: No thanks, it’s the last lap, I can’t be fumbling with a burrito.
Dave: We better set ourselves up nicely for the sprint.
Jacob: I’m nominally a crappy climber, but I’ll do what I can.
Steven: We can help, right Dave?
Dave: Right Steven. Moustaches, flying V!!

Dave: I’ll use my sexy TT legs to get you to the finish Jacob!
Steven: I’ll hold down the right side so that you don’t get boxed out!
Dave & Steven: Flying V! Huzzah!
Dave: Go Jacob! Unleash those thunderthighs of yours!
Jacob: Raaah!

Jacob: 4th!

Dave: Oh yeah…just like big Z planned…

Oye, Maria

2009-04-21T19:42:00.003-06:00

Day 3 of Hammerfest. The Queen Stage.

It was a long day of climbing, with Jacob riding much of the way with the twin of Tyler Hamilton, who was very shy and requested not to have photos of him posted.

He finished 17th, and was greeted at the line by his old flame, Maria Sharapova.

Maria: Jacob, I have returned for you.
Jacob: Maria, we’ve had this discussion before.
Maria: Jacob, I believe we can make things work.
Jacob: I’m sorry Maria, my love lies elsewhere.
Maria: I can change Jacob!
Jacob: Not like this you can’t. You would need to be the pavement in the spring and the dirt and mud in the fall.

Maria: Is the pavement an international tennis star? Does it have enough money where we can retire at the age of 22? Can it cook? Does it have an impressive collection of plates?
Jacob: Huh, how many?

Maria: Three!
Jacob: Well, no. But it does have one thing you don’t, my love.
Maria: Oh, Jacob, come down from your impressively long trackstand and come with me…
Jacob: I’m sorry, Maria, it just wasn’t meant to be.

Jacob ended his impressively long track stand and rode away, past the stormtroopers and through the fields of chocolate, until, he awoke in a cold sweat…

Jacob: Was, was this whole weekend just a bad dream?

That Curious Steed

2009-04-17T09:09:00.004-06:00

Armed with a borrowed time-trial bike, zipp wheels, and some suave shoe covers, Jacob set out to crush the time-trial.

Jacob began riding like a man possessed. Not because of his single-mindedness and relentless drive, but because the 23mph crosswinds were whipping the snot out of his nose and the spittle from his mouth. Soon though, he turned into the wind and got a nice rhythm going, spinning a small gear…

Jacob: Alright, good work Jacob, you’re passing guys. Then again, they’re only ones whom you’ve already beaten on an admittedly bad day. Keep passing. Smile! The dimples reduce wind drag. Bah! I should have shaved, this beard is costing me 20 seconds. It’s worth it though! It goes well with the flannel. I wish I was a better time trialist.

Jacob: The Chicken!?
Rasmussen: The very same Jacob. I can make you a better time-trialist.

Jacob: No Michael! Not like that!
Rasmussen: It’s what you need Jacob, nothing else can help you.
Jacob: No, I am strong. I am aero, I can ride rock this TT.
Rasmussen: No you can’t. Have you seen your thighs? They are so small.
Jacob: Compact! Efficient! Speak for yourself!
Rasmussen: Weak, you cannot do well here. I became a good enough time trialist, despite my meager frame, you can too.

Jacob: Lies!
Rasmussen: Such a little gear for such little thighs!
Jacob: No! I will not listen to you!
Rasmussen: Join me! And together we can rule the ProTour, as-
Jacob: No! That’s impossible!
Rasmussen: Yes, feel the anger, let it course through you, soon you will –

Rasmussen had been blown off Jacob’s shoulder. Finally, Jacob had reached the turn around point, and with the wind at his back he flew down the course. The words of Rasmussen may have cut him deep, but despite turning in what he thought was the time trial of his life, the results cut him deeper. Only mid-field. Rasmussen was right.

Would Jacob dope himself to the gills for the final stage? Will he Roman Feillu his was to GC contention? Will he have more freaky visions inspired by the seven hour drive to Ft. Davis? Tune in sometime in the near future to find out!

Rocked on Locke

2009-04-14T00:47:00.006-06:00

Ft. Davis. Hammerfest. Stage race. Thousands of feet of climbing. Just the thing for our intrepid hero, or so he thought…

The stage was a 16 mile road race to the top of Mt. Locke, a forbidding peak suitable for little life other than nasaly astronomers. Yet Jacob would ascend it, and so, he hoped, would he ascend the GC.

Jacob: Hah! Alright, I can do this. I’m a good climber. I’m a thin guy, I’ve got the power, I’ve got the relatively low-weight, I’ve got the cajones, time to become the GC leader I was meant to be!

POOF!

Jacob: Alberto Contador? Levi Leipheimer!
Alberto: Si. Jacob, we are here to help you be a GC leader
Levi: You summoned us when you wished you were a GC leader.
Jacob: Well, I didn’t really wish-
Levi: We can leave
Jacob: No, stay. It’s comforting having you here.
Alberto: Jacob, you need to do well in the climb today, it is the only way you can be all that you were meant to become.
Jacob: Sure thing, Alberto. I’m staying towards the front, keeping an eye on everyone, and playing things conservatively.
Levi: Good work. Here comes the first climb.

Alberto: You are just behind the lead group, catch up to them.
Jacob: I, I can’t.
Levi: What’s wrong?
Jacob: It’s, it’s my heart rate, I can’t sustain my usual intensity!

Alberto: That is really a shame.
Levi: We have to go now, we’re needed elsewhere.
Jacob: Conti, Levi-Nooo!

Jacob: I wish I was a GC leader!

Alberto: Stop that.
Jacob: I need help!
Levi: Oh, fine, we’ll send someone else.

Jacob: Roman Feillu?
Roman: Oui, it is I, Roman.
Jacob: Why are you here?
Roman: Because I can only do well on the GC with crazy breakaways, which is what you’ll need.
Jacob: Gee, thanks
Roman: Don’t thank me sarcastically, thank you’re weak little legs, lungs and heart, for not being able to sustain you up this climb.
Jacob: Are you always so caustic?
Roman: I am French, non?

And so their useless bantering continued, until eventually Jacob finished, well down on the GC.

Superfluous Attacks!

2009-04-12T23:40:00.007-06:00

Feeling good from helping his teammate to victory the day before, and having gotten over the unfortunate indigestion from Paolo’s pasta, Jacob set his sights on the road race.

Jacob: Mancebo!
Mancebo: Jacobo! Haven’t seen you since we ran into each other in Dr. Fuentes office, it’s been a while.
Jacob: Please Francisco, not in front of my blog.
Mancebo: Ah, of course.

Jacob: Miss Hatch, to whom do I owe the pleasure of making your acquaintance?
Liz: Me, for being strong enough to hang with you guys so far in the B race.
Jacob: Well, be sure to thank yourself for me.
Liz: Uh…
Mancebo: She’s right, this race has been pretty easy.
Jacob: Are you saying?
Mancebo: I’m going to attack. Just maybe. I’ll ride up the road a bit and see if anyone wants to come.
Jacob: Uh, Francisco, we’re having a jaunt here riding with the ladies. It’s a nice day, everyone’s happy, why ruin it?
Mancebo: My Spanish sense of victoria is tingling.

And so Mancebo went up the road and dangled a bit, seeing if anyone would join. No one did, and then he was gone, never to be seen again. A chase briefly happened, then superfluous attacks began. Being above such superfluity, and knowing that his pants weren’t see-through, Jacob went to chat with Liz again.

Jacob: Hey Liz, are you on a diet?
Liz: No.
Jacob: Cause you’re not the only one watching your figure!

Liz: You don’t know how to talk to women do you?
Jacob: No.

Shamed, Jacob lowered himself to a superfluous attack. Having regained his confidence from 10 seconds alone though, he soon filtered back to the pack.

Jacob: Man, I’m hungry.
Liz: See, much better. It’s not creepy, it’s just a neutral observation. I’m sorta hungry too, it’s been a lengthy race.

Jacob: Perhaps we can grab lunch later?
Liz: See, there you go again.

And so he went again, to the front, off on a superfluous attack. He was just kidding about the attack though, and was soon back in the pack.

Jacob: Man, it sure has been a while since we’ve seen Mancebo.
Liz: Uh, yeah, yeah it has.
Jacob: Yeah, I sure miss him. You know who else I miss?

Liz: Ugh. Who?
Jacob: My mom.
Liz: Aww, see, now that’s sweet.
Jacob: You know what else is sweet?

Liz: Ugh, what?
Jacob: My brownies.
Liz: You cook?
Jacob: For you, I sizzle!

Jacob awoke in a ditch somewhere outside San Marcos

Dropped...?

2009-04-12T22:32:00.003-06:00

Having trained with Alex Boyd over the summer, Jacob had learned all about tactics dealing with crits and lapped riders. It was considering this that he set forth on a ballsy and selfless enterprise. Knowing that feisty Italian strongman Jonathan Caputon was chomping at the bits for victory, Jacob devised to get himself dropped so that he could help John to victory when he got lapped, if only briefly. It was a tricky business, because he had to get dropped, but he couldn’t get pulled either. This was slightly more complicated that shooting womp-rats in Beggars Canyon back home. Fortunately though, Jacob had coerced Paolo Bettini out of retirement to help him with his gutsy plan.

Jacob: So we’re clear on the details?
Paolo: Yes, it is a complicated and daring plan, Jacob. I admire it. I am happy to come out of retirement to help you and my cousin John to victory. Plus, it seems everyone is doing it, what’s one more?
Jacob: Yes. I’ve devised it so that we intially get dropped behind riders we can overtake.
Paolo: Ah, so we can work to their chase group, then attack it?
Jacob: Yes.
Paolo: Brilliant! Il Grillo rides again! Just my type of riding.

They worked up to groups and attacked them relentlessly, ensuring that nobody could work their way back to the leaders and Jacob’s teammates.

Paolo: Ah, Jacob this is great! Why did I ever leave cycling?
Jacob: It is a beautiful sport. My DS just told me that we should be caught on the 2nd to last lap.
Paolo: Brilliant!

Then, after a few more laps it was 2 to go, and Caputon came flying up behind them.

Jacob: Ah, right on time.
Caputon: Jacob! Paolo! Help me out!
Jacob: Sure thing. Paolo, you’re making dinner tonight, I told you he wouldn’t be late.
Paolo: Haha! A fine bet, you shall have your pasta.

Jacob then unleashed a massive pull into the headwind that was strong enough to draw in nearby birds, low-orbit sattelites, and even emit it’s own red-orange speed-lines.

John: Thanks for not wearing your see-through bibs Jacob! That’s exactly what I needed to secure victory and glory for our academic institution!
Jacob: Ride well, good John, ride well.
Paolo: Good luck, cousin.

And so John rode to victory and, their work being done, Paolo and Jacob pulled themselves next lap, so they wouldn’t get in the way of the finishers. Tactically brilliant, stoicly selfless, and looking forward to Paolo’s Rigatoni, Jacob called it a day and began preparing for the road race.

Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion of the Texas State Road Race on Tales from the Peloton!

Slaying Equahatltketly

2009-03-30T14:59:00.007-06:00

Fresh off a strong night playing video-games and slaying zombies by the dozens, Jacob found himself standing in a cool valley outside San Marcos, ready to slay a hill climb TT by the…single. The locals called it ‘the man-maker’ the Spanish conquistadores called it ‘la Montana de piernas infuegas’ and according to native Indian legend, it was the resting-place of a god of cycling who drank lactic acid out of your thighs like milk from a coconut. According to Jacob however, it was ‘overrated’

Jacob went from the gun, then remembered it was a time trial, and went a bit harder. At the bottom though, he was caught by Taylor Phinney.

Jacob: Taylor? Long time no see, I like the track bike.
Taylor: Oh hey, Jacob, thanks.
Jacob: So what brings you here? I thought you did mostly track stuff.
Taylor: Yeah, I do. But since this is only 4 or 5 minutes long, it was right up my alley.
Jacob: Oh, that does make sense.
Taylor: Yeah, it-

At this point they both became blurs in the flat section to the finish.

Jacob: So as I was saying, what with the stock market the way it is, and the anticipated tightening of grip on our economy, I think that-

Then it ended. And they were capable of being caught in still motion again.

Jacob: That was it?
Taylor: Yep, I love short stuff like this. Want to cool down for the next two seconds together?
Jacob: Uh…

Taylor: Done, thanks. I’m headed back to Colorado if you want to come.
Jacob: I’ve got to do the Crit this afternoon.
Taylor: Oh, me too. We’d make it back in time.
Jacob: Uh…no thanks, I’m good.
Taylor: Later.

Bewildered by the hummingbird-like life of a trackstar, and sore from expostulating on the economy at 185 bpm, Jacob cooled down some more. He wound up finishing 12th out of 20 or so, which made him somewhat regret slowing down to chat with Taylor, but then again, what’s a conversation among friends compared to 40 seconds on a TT?

Paceline of the Damned

2009-03-30T13:57:00.004-06:00

With another off-week from racing, Jacob had the opportunity to ride a local charity ride, and so he lined up for the Spokes and Spurs ride in the rugged terrain of Liberty Hill. At the starting line though, he was greeted by some old friends…

Jacob: Ricardo Ricco, Tricki Beltran, Leonardo Piepoli, Moises Duenas, Bernard Kohl and Schummie! What brings you all here?
Ricardo: We are serving our ban and cannot race, so we attend these rides and train together, biding our time for our triumphant return.
Bernard: Yes, it is only 16 months more.
Moises: Si, nuestra hora es proxima!

The ride began, and the old hands quickly formed into a paceline – a model of cold efficiency. Jacob tried to work with them but felt a distinct coldness upon nearing the paceline.

Jacob: Ricardo, what was that chill?
Ricardo: We are the Paceline of the Damned Jacob. You cannot work with us. We are doomed to ride charity rides for a 24-month period, we travel the country searching the charity rides that have the best included coupons to local bike stores, so that we might save ourselves money.
Jacob: Touching.

Tricki: That is not all though. We also feed off of the dying souls of expensive bikes and carbon wheels. Their pain nurtures us.
Jacob: Creepy.
Tricki: It is a sad life.

Jacob: Wait, Leonardo, bikes have souls?
Piepoli: Yes.
Jacob: Do I have a soul?
Piepoli: No.
Jacob: Does Lance?
Piepoli: Yes.
Jacob: Wait, then why?...

Moises: No hablo Ingles.
Jacob: No hablo espanol.
Moises: Perro, habli in espanol?
Jacob: Si, solo que se in espanol es como discribir que no hablo espanol.
Moises: Interesado.

Jacob: My favorite former Gerolsteiner riders, what's happening?
Kohl: We are not well Jacob. All we have known is gone. Imagine if they took school away from you.
Jacob: Goodness, I don’t know what I’d do. Probably get a crap job.
Schummie: Yes, I spend all my days with tourists and I’m dressed in Lederhosen. From the Malliot Jaune to this.
Jacob: I’ve gone through similar, but for different reasons.
Kohl: Wait, we’re done already?
Jacob: I think we accidentally did the 44 mile rather than the 63.
Schummie: Dunkompf!

After a rest stop at the bathroom, where Jacob instigated devastating attacks and managed to drop…nevermind. The ride resumed. They were going to go back to Jacobs’s house and relax and watch basketball, but they got turned around again, and went back to where things started, which is ultimately where they ended. And so the ride went full circle.

Death Rides a Horse

2009-03-28T20:41:00.002-06:00

A Double Dose of Driveway!

Driveway 1:

It was a cold day. Jacob finished mid-pack.

Driveway 2:

It was more crowded than the previous week. Word had gotten out about Jacob having his first pack finish in a Driveway crit and many men lined up to keep that number at one. None would succeed. Special respect though was given to Jacob’s nemesis from a crit in a stadium a long time ago – Messala.

Jacob: Messala, we meet again.
Messala: I will avenge for my defeat in the Circus Maximus crit.
Jacob: You are a man with a long memory.
Messala: My memory is short, Jacob. My Vengeance Folder is long.
Jacob: Writing things down is good for memory…
Messala: Yes, yes I’ve found it to be so. I’ve taken to writing down my mom’s pasta recipes and it’s really served our family well.

Jacob: How nice, I wish I was ethnic.
Messala: Oh, it is, it is. The food’s good, I meet an Italian woman and we have an instant conversation. I meet a dumb Latin American woman and we have an instant conversation. We tan well, I can play Mario Bros better, I don’t have the mafia on my neck, the list just goes on an on…

And so their boring conversation went on and on, until the last lap, when Messala suddenly remembered that he was here for vengeance, and vengeance he would reap.

Messala: Oh yeah, I’m here for vengeance. To kill you. This is why I write things down. I will reap vengeance on you like I was reaping grapes for making wine.
Jacob: You don’t pick grapes?

Messala: Die Jacob!

At this point, Messala cut the reins on one of his horses and the horse careened into Jacob’s front wheel. Fortunately though, our intrepid hero had long ago made the upgrade to bladed spokes and the horse was confettied, splattering Jacob and all the riders around him in blood. Unfortunately though, having a horse shredded to death did slow down Jacob just enough so that he couldn’t beat Messala.

And so he finished 15th of 50 or so. Any way you look at it, Messala lost a horse, and Jacob showed off his awe-inspiring bike handling prowess.

Dead Weight

2009-03-28T20:37:00.002-06:00

Without a proper race to attend, Jacob attended an improper race, the Austin TriCyclist ride. It was there he met with his old rival, Jan Ulrich.

Jacob: Hey, hey Jan, remember this??

Jan: Jacob, I have no time for your games.

After which Jan dropped Jacob. And his pull at the front also dropped himself. After this epic pull, he cycled home and grabbed his backpack and cycled north towards his second home.

Jacob: So this is what it would be like to ride while pregnant, with twins…

Thankful that he wasn’t a seahorse, yet secretly wondering what it’s like to have something growing in your belly, and then pondering what he could eat live that could give similar sensations, Jacob was mercifully caught up to by Jan Ullrich.

Jacob: Jan! My man! Welcome back.
Jan: Thanks, what’s with the backpack?
Jacob: I’m cycling back to my house for spring-break. This way I don’t have to get picked up. The self-sufficiency is empowering.
Jan: Yes. That must be heavy.

Jacob: Yes, pushing all this extra weight around isn’t a piece of cake.
Jan: Are you implying something?
Jacob: No, I’m just saying, it’s one tough cookie.
Jan: Jacob, please stop these jokes.
Jacob: Sorry Jan.
Jan: Thank you.
Jacob: Sorry with a cherry on top.

Jan: That’s it, I’m leaving.
Jacob: Well that’s just the icing on the cake…

After which Jan dropped Jacob. And so our young encumbered hero rode home alone, his muscles growing rapidly with having to push around the dead weight.

We Might As Well Attack

2009-03-13T11:21:00.004-06:00

Knowing that yesterday, only circumstance prevented him from laying the hurt on everyone, as well as apparently getting a silly regulation, Jacob returned to the racing scene this Sunday morning to exact some vengeance. Having only the loyal Italian Jonathan Caputon by his side, Jacob was determined to at least make himself feel like puking, and maybe someone else would puke too.

MSU had used their allotted scholarship money in helping to get Johann Bruyneel his masters in International Business Administration, and he was now a fellow B race. The two exchanged some prerace pleasantries.

Johann: I can speak six languages you know.
Jacob: You might as well lose Johann.
Johann: You might as well stuff a Pearl Izumi attack sock in it Jacob, I will dismantle you by the time the day is done. In fact, I will ride the whole race with no hands on my handlebars, just to show you up.
Jacob: You might as well put your kit on Johann.
Johann:Smeerlap!

Resolved to make Johann pay for his insolence, Jacob went from the first corner, as the field was left in disarray after his stunning attack. They quickly composed themselves though, and caught him after half a lap. Returning to the pack, Johann gave Jacob a wry smile and an MSU rider went off the front, where he would stay. His attack had split the group, and though two MSU riders were off the back, they were gaining quickly.

Johann: Hahahaha, look at what we can do with all these people. One off the front, two in the chase, and two working their way back up. You have nothing left to do but attack!
Jacob: Looks like you and I were thinking the same thing!

And so he attacked. To no avail. Tired from this opening salvo, Jacob had his trusty Italian strongman Caputon take the front for a while, and he went back to receive further mocking by Johann.

Johann: You see Jacob, there is nothing that you can do. You attack our break and we just sit on your wheel! It’s all my plan, aren’t I brilliant!
Jacob: But are you as brilliant as you strong!?

And so he attacked. To no avail.

Johann: Hehehe, a UT rider breaking away sure would be a good idea, odds are against it though.
Jacob: Never tell me the odds!

And so he attacked. To no avail.

Johann: His lead is growing, no one will take the front, ahahaha!
Jacob: Then tonight, we dine in hell!

And so he attacked. To no avail.

Johann: The MSU riders in the break outnumber UT riders two to one, ahahaha! There’s nothing you can do!
Jacob: Then it is a fair fight!

And so he attacked. To no avail.

Weary from constant attacking, the fact that it was a hard race, running low on his supply of inspiring yet insipid one-liners, and distressed that his most recent quote had revealed an all too nerdy side of himself, Jacob sat in. For the last two laps. After which he was outsprinted by an MSU rider and placed 8th. MSU had 5 in the top 7. Jacob did not talk to Johann after the race. In fact, he was so tired, he wouldn't write on his blog for almost a week.

Collegiate Cross!

2009-03-08T22:35:00.006-06:00

It was windy, it was overcast, it was perhaps the greatest assembled field of Collegiate B riders the world had ever seen. Yet none of these would define the race. Only the gravel, and the puncture resistance of your tires would matter. 20 souls would start the race. 12 would finish. How would our hero Jacob fare??

Knowing that the gravel would define the race, Jacob was sure to position himself well into the first curve. But he didn’t know the grass shortcut, and he lost all his positioning in the curve. The field was being shredded by the quick pace and the razor-like gravel. With cyclists falling all around him, Jacob had some ground to make up…

Jacob: Stuart O’Grady?? What are you doing here?
Stuart: I’m racing Cs. I only race on gravel.
Jacob: Cs, don’t you think that’s overkill?
Stuart: I’m recovering from Rouge Roubaix this morning. Though apparently I have dropped them all and caught up to the Bs.
Jacob: Is it legal that you’re sticking to my wheel?
Stuart: No, no it’s not. You’re just going so fast though…

Jacob: It’s over!
Stuart: See, that was fast. Well done, you’ve just about caught them. I must be leaving you now, winning the Cs will be a great addition to my palmares.
Jacob: So long Stuey.

What was once 20 riders is now 7; Jacob, two UT riders, two A&M riders, an MSU rider, and Jacob’s good friend from the Dirt Derby, Lars Boom.

Lars: I thought I’d never see you again.
Jacob: All that slipping and sliding brought back my good ‘ol cross days, I had a hell of a job putting time into you all on the gravel.
Lars: It’s easier on a cross bike, and we really slowed down turning off the pavement and hitting that crosswind.
Jacob: Don’t take this from me Lars.
Lars: I’d take it easy from now on, trust me, I’m a former cyclocross world champion.

And take it easy he did. But it was not long before the gravel returned.

Jacob: Curses! My tire!
Lars: I’ll block for you, don’t worry.

After a rapid tire change, and that curious clothing change, Jacob was back on the bike, soon to be joined by the now vicotorious Stuart O'Grady

Jacob: You’re lapping me? Isn’t your race over then?
Stuart: I’m cooling down.
Jacob: Want to work with me to get back up to the leaders?
Stuart: It’s against the rules Jacob, I’m going to go cool down.

And so he solo’d, slowly gaining on the lead group. Meanwhile, the chase group was drawing up from behind. Soon they were all together.

Jacob: I thought I’d never see you again, thanks for blocking Lars.
Lars: Huh? I didn’t do anything.
Jacob: So it was all me, bridging back up like that??
Lars: No, your teammates blocked for you.
Jacob: Ugh, back on the gravel. You’re such a killjoy today Lars.

In a Bad Spot

2009-03-05T23:33:00.007-06:00

After another grueling week in the saddle, including one day trying out a new saddle, the ever-vigilant Jacob Dodson returns to the Texas peloton, ready to avenge himself. The day began coldly, but things were about to get hotter. Jacob began the day chatting with Mark Cavendish, while George Hincapie lazily hung around as a domestique.

Jacob: So, this is your hill training?
Mark: Yeah. Just because I’m the fastest man in the world doesn’t mean that I go fast uphills. I think Contador is the fastest man in the world uphills. Did you ever watch Speedy Gonzalez? And his brother Slowpoke Rodriquez, where Speedy was powerless in the upstairs but Slowpoke could run really fast. I’m sorta like that. I’m speedy downstairs.
Jacob: But slow in the upstairs?
Mark: Yes, it comes with being the fastest man in the world. Speaking of man, did you know I’m from the Isle of Man?
Jacob: Yes, I’ve heard it mentioned.
Mark: That’s why they call me the Manxman, because of the Isle of Man thing, where I used to be a banker. Speaking of banker, you can bank on me to win sprints, because I’m the fastest man in the world.

Jacob: George, what’s happened to him?
George: He has become a caricature of himself, a dangerous thing, but watch:
Sprinter Cavendish?
Sprinter Mark Cavendish?
Mark Douglas Cavendish?
Mark: …Yes
George: Listen, you are no longer a feisty Manxman, you are a posh British aristocrat. Do you understand me?
Mark: Yes, perfectly.

George: Excellent.
Jacob: Wow, and that works?
George: Yes, Bob Stapleton worked it out, we can keep him under control and present him as the cultured man of Team Columbia that he’s supposed to be.
Jacob: Fascinating.
Mark. Fellows, it appears we’ve fallen off the back, oh bother.
Jacob: Already?
Mark: Yes, it seems to happen on an incline, on dear me.
Jacob: George, doesn’t this get annoying?
George: Oh no, he’s great at parties.
Mark: Is there one after the race perchance? How I do love a relaxing soiree.
George: No Mark, not today.
Mark: Oh bollocks.
Jacob: George, I paid $30 bucks to enter a race and I barely last 4 miles.
George: You must value time spent with yourself then.
Jacob: Yes, if only everyone would pay 30 bucks to spend an hour with me.

George: I know a bit about cycling and marketing. When I found the lyrca-spinning weevils of Southern Madagascar, I just knew there’d be a market for them.
Jacob: This stuff is made from worm excrement?
George: Yes, from their ass to yours. Creating catchy slogans isn’t my strength though.

Mark: I say, why’s that Tech fan cheering ‘Go Tech’? There isn’t a Tech rider here.
Jacob: He’s either illiterate or a poor sport.
Mark: Old chap, why not just throw a bottle at his crotch, that’ll set him straight.
George: Mark, no. You’re above that.
Mark: Oh, so I am. Ah, it appears we’re being pulled.
Jacob: Bloody hell, I didn’t do a thing.
George: But at least your saddle didn’t hurt you.

Jacob: You’ve been reading my blogs?
George: Oh yes, I’m a huge fan, so is Mark, on his cultured days.
Mark: Goes down swimmingly with my ten o’clock tea, it does.
George: Well, I better get him home. See you around…

The days race ended, one giant question remained – why had Jacob paired himself with a sprinter for what is a moderately climbing race? Just like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop, the world may never know.

But, with his saddle issues removed, will he become the legendary cyclist he is destined to be? Will the start of the collegiate season see success for our young hero? Will the faux-cobbles of Tunis-Roubaix suit him? Will other people catch on to pronouncing it Touneé Roubaix? Find out with the next installment of: Tales from the Peloton!

Pack Fodder

2009-03-05T23:22:00.004-06:00

The weather had improved dramatically. There was a slight crisp to sunny air that could’ve been a fall afternoon. But it was a spring morning. Fresh off their disintegration in yesterday’s race, the Cat 4 peloton began the day inauspiciously and cautiously.

Our hero, the young Jacob Dodson was still smarting after the betrayal of his saddle the day before and the fact that when showering he had forgotten to move his towel over, and had then gotten the floor wet. He arrived this day looking for victory, but a quick survey of his legs the first two laps showed him that this wasn’t going to be achieved. Amidst the almost 100 riders there, he soon became lost amongst his thoughts, and drifted into a daze, thinking weird thoughts. This is where our story begins.

Jacob: What weird thoughts I’m thinking.

Jacob: Wim Vansevenant! Three-time winner of the Lantern Rouge! I thought you were retired?
Wim: Yes, but I have returned to the sport of cycling to race 4s at Pace Bend. It is where heroes go to die.
Jacob: How tragic yet inspiring.
Wim: The Lantern Rouge does this to you. But enough about me, how are you doing?

Jacob: It’s an odd state Wim. I don’t like the easiness of the race, but I’m not in a position to do anything about it; I’m still sore from yesterday.
Wim: You are a worthless hypocrite. You are not the change you want to see. Listen to Ghandi. I’ve been reading him since I retired. I’m leaving you now.

Stricken by the words of the wise Wim, Jacob returned to solitude in his thoughts. If he couldn’t be the change, he’d at least think happy thoughts.

Then Wim returned, somewhat spectrally, into his mind.

Wim: Use the force, Jacob.

Jacob made a move; a reconnaissance if you will. Other riders melted around him like women, and he was towards the front. Suddenly, there was a sound like a tent rending itself in agony, a curious little scream, and a rider went down behind him, with Jacob just narrowly escaping. Humbled by what could’ve been a brush with the pavement, still feeling his heroic efforts from the day before, and wanting to return to his previous weird thoughts, Jacob returned to the back of the pack, lost his thoughts.

And there he stayed. Until the very end. Getting 75th.

Next week: Tales from the Peloton continues with Lago Vista! Last year our intrepid hero placed 9th, will it be so friendly this year? Will his new saddle continue to impress? Will it be followed by an adventurous tale that forgets to bring up the things that he had brought up in the previous installment? There’s only one way to find out!

And so he rides on…

Saddle Sore!

2009-03-03T10:47:00.004-06:00

Beneath the somewhat cloudy skies above Walburg, the Cat 4 peloton slides along. A drizzle of rain to set things off, some low wind, and a somewhat easy pace mark the beginning, but then, things were about to change.

Our hero, Jacob Dodson, was calmly near the back, chatting with his friends Jens Voight and Fabien Cancellara. Suddenly, after a left hand turn, the winds picked up, the pace quickened, and the silent cries of agony by dozens of riders could be heard for miles. Riders were dropping all around him, yet he continued on stoicly, bringing with him a draft to the weary, and his naturally calm demeanor. Still the attacks came. Resolved to fight it out for the long haul, our hero formed a chase group around himself, determined to fight the good fight. Pride and integrity can only hold a chase group together for so long, and soon Jacob found himself on the front of a few riders still reeling from the attacks. With Jens and Fabien at his side though, they had a chance. This is where our story begins.

Jens: Ve must vork together, ve can pull this one out!
Jacob: Yes, we are closing on the second chase group.
Fabien: Soon all will be ours.
Jens: Ve are still losing riders!
Fabien: Theirs was a necessary sacrifice.
Jacob: If we hold this pace we should – Ah!

Jens: Mein Gut! Vat is it?
Jacob: It’s, it’s my ass, my saddle has betrayed us.
Fabien: You mean?

Jacob: Yes, saddle sore.
Jens: I cannot believe it! Vat will become of us?
Fabien: I do not think we can go on for long with this…development.
Jacob: My saddle has joined our enemy and now works against us.
Jens: Cruel fate!
Fabien: Why not spend some time out of the saddle, like Jens is doing?
Jacob: I can do that, but I can only hold out so long.
Jens: I have a better idea. Here take this. It is my own recovery drink, and makes plenty of European asses cushier, perhaps it can fight the betrayal of your saddle.

Jacob: Gah, it’s no good.
Fabien: All is lost!
Jens: We will stay with you Jacob, Fabien can pretend to be sick again, I haven’t peaked yet, and you’ve got saddle sores.
Fabien: Yes, all will be airtight.
Jacob: I sure do appreciate you all staying with me.
Jens: It is no big deal. Ve will lose some interest on our holdings in Saxo Bank – how they punish us! But it is nothing compared to what your saddle has done.

Jacob: Yes, this has been a most disturbing revelation.
Fabien: Your heart rate says 213, yet we have slowed down and are going so easy?
Jacob: Yes, it actively distributing disinformation against our cause. I am not going so hard.
Jens: This conspiracy runs deep.
Fabien: Over 250 dollars, and it actively seeks your demise.
Jacob: Yes, but I shall be avenged. I shall go home, go to a bike shop, and purchase a secret weapon, one that will cushion my tush, and I will come back stronger, rested, and, with a vengeance.

Snapping out of his delusion, Jacob looks around him. Was it all a lactic acid induced fantasy? Is he really off the front? No, this was not all fantasy. His bottom is not well, he has been dropped repeatedly, and he hardly has the desire to pedal.

No time for rest though. Tomorrow is Pace Bend.

Will his new saddle work harmoniously with his betrayed ass? Will his calorie-heavy diet allow him to recover? Will he find that elusive victory on the shady circuit of Pace Bend? What mysteries and adventures await? Tune in tomorrow to find out!